Corey is in town. I should be working on my laboratory report for tomorrow but I haven't posted in a while. It's October 26th... Almost November! Wow. This year has gone by so quickly. I recently found out that I have to take 6 classes next semester, plus Intermediate Spanish in the summer. Right now I've signed up to take Chemistry 2, Intro to Zoology, Sociology of the Family, Drawing, General Microbiology and The World Since 1945. I'm actually excited to take some of those classes. Drawing will be nice for me. Sociology of the Family, I think, will be my favorite class. I manipulated my other classes around the Since 1945 class because I don't know anything about history and I think I should fix that before I get to UNC and end up showing people how ignorant I am in that regard. Plus dad can always help me when I don't understand a concept. I got a 92 on my chemistry exam this morning! I was so proud. Apparently I also have a 4.0 GPA. =)
He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
I keep thinking of this line as I become more and more stressed and am tempted by sinful things, such as laziness. Regardless of how stressed or frustrated I become, I know that God is there for me so that I don't have to take the easy way out.
I'm thinking of creating a separate blog to write about my interpretations of biblical verses. I think that would be good for me.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Something Cliche About Teen Angst
I really do not enjoy living with my parents. They don't really seem to understand what I'm going through. Like my grades, for instance. So far, this semester has been really disappointing to me, since I've made 2 C's, 1 B, and 3 A's. That's not a good ratio. I'm really really frustrated with myself, and whenever I report my grades to dad, he asks me if I see an A as something possible. It pisses me off since obviously an A is possible... I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm going to try harder... I may quit Panera. I need to get good grades. I can't have A's up until this point, and then suddenly add a scattering of B's.
Another thing that angers me: my mother's lifestyle. I find her so hypocritical. We're not allowed to curse, and yet whenever she's angry (like at the girls, or Facebook, or because she doesn't understand how to use her phone) she curses and screams and stomps around the house like some sort of African tribal ritual. I don't even care that I can't curse... My problem is that she acts like she can do whatever the hell she wants without consequences. And she's so immature! She SCREAMS and HITS the computer if Facebook isn't working, as if it's her staple of life. And then she gets even more pissed off when I make fun of her. I shouldn't tease but she looks ridiculous. She never used to be like this. Up until I was 15, she never had these crazy random outbursts of anger and uncalled-for bouts of rage. Now she's freaking insane. Is it a midlife crisis? Is she bipolar? I know she took antidepressants. I mean, what the hell is going on?
Dad is okay, but so uninvolved in everything. He knows maybe the surface of my life. He knows I work a lot, I go to school a lot, I don't have many friends. But beyond that? Nothing. The only times I talk to both of my parents are when they're mad at me. Like this afternoon. I borrowed mom's suitcase for my trip to Ohio and never returned it to her closet. She asked me earlier to give it back, and I was in the middle of 3 different tasks so I told her to do it herself. She flipped out and started yelling at me, so I walked off, not wanting to deal with her. Maybe 10 minutes later I put it back neatly in her closet. Then, maybe 6 hours later, she storms into dad's room, yelling about how I'm an ungrateful child and I won't even return her God-damned suitcase. I heard her yelling and came out of my room, saying that I'd already returned it and she should have checked her closet before screaming about how I'm ungrateful. She then screamed at me for not telling her I'd replaced it, then huffed off to her room, so I called her immature. Dad then asked me why I had been disrespectful to her earlier this afternoon. I started to tell him how mom was an entirely different person when he's not around, but mom ran back out of her room and said "Oh yes! Go ahead and tell him this secret of yours!" so I said "No" and she kept annoyingly demanding that I tell him whatever I had been about to tell him, so I finally went back into my room without resolving the argument.
I've become so sick of the arguments I have with my parents. They always have the same format as well. Mom is mad, mom tells dad the problem, dad confronts me, i confront mom, mom complains about how I'm ungrateful, dad asks me why I behaved how I did, I explain my situation, mom interrupts me with more bullshit excuses as to why she was in the right, and I leave because dad doesn't understand that the woman he married 18 years ago is now a psychobitch who lies and tries to get people on her side by bad-mouthing her daughter. It's all bullshit. At least I only have 4 1/2 months left. I'm really hoping Corey will be living here by then. If not then I'll just have to wait until college, whether I'm living with Corey or in a dorm.
I don't even feel as if I live here now. I do so much outside the house that I really only come here to sleep and sometimes eat when I have the time. I wonder if me wanting to keep so busy is really just me subconsciously distancing myself from the household.
I'm reading "Flowers for Algernon" and "Brave New World" in my limited free time. "Algernon" is really good. I read until when he falls in love. I'll read more on Wednesday, since I won't have time tomorrow.
There's a new nerdy kid tutor in the Skills Lab at ACC. He's smart but awkward. You know the type. His clothes are nice, he has a low level of testosterone (looks like he's a tall 10 year old,) once thought the Skills Lab was a "communist regime"... Why did he laugh after he said that? That's not funny. This stupid girl asked me when Skills Lab gets out. I asked what she meant and she said "Aren't you a student?" I said yeah, and I'm also a tutor. She then asked when everyone had to leave the Skills Lab and when class officially let out. I stared at her until I realized she thought Skills Lab was a class. ... Wth?
I'm carrying so much pent up stress and frustration and anger. I just want a break from everything, but that won't happen until October when I go to Ohio.
I need to start working on my Hox genes/evolutionary basis of Hox gene utilization in Cnidarians soon. It's going to be really hard. There's not a ton of information about it. But I'll rock the shit out of it, promise.
Typed a ton tonight. It's 1:47 AM. Time for bed.
Another thing that angers me: my mother's lifestyle. I find her so hypocritical. We're not allowed to curse, and yet whenever she's angry (like at the girls, or Facebook, or because she doesn't understand how to use her phone) she curses and screams and stomps around the house like some sort of African tribal ritual. I don't even care that I can't curse... My problem is that she acts like she can do whatever the hell she wants without consequences. And she's so immature! She SCREAMS and HITS the computer if Facebook isn't working, as if it's her staple of life. And then she gets even more pissed off when I make fun of her. I shouldn't tease but she looks ridiculous. She never used to be like this. Up until I was 15, she never had these crazy random outbursts of anger and uncalled-for bouts of rage. Now she's freaking insane. Is it a midlife crisis? Is she bipolar? I know she took antidepressants. I mean, what the hell is going on?
Dad is okay, but so uninvolved in everything. He knows maybe the surface of my life. He knows I work a lot, I go to school a lot, I don't have many friends. But beyond that? Nothing. The only times I talk to both of my parents are when they're mad at me. Like this afternoon. I borrowed mom's suitcase for my trip to Ohio and never returned it to her closet. She asked me earlier to give it back, and I was in the middle of 3 different tasks so I told her to do it herself. She flipped out and started yelling at me, so I walked off, not wanting to deal with her. Maybe 10 minutes later I put it back neatly in her closet. Then, maybe 6 hours later, she storms into dad's room, yelling about how I'm an ungrateful child and I won't even return her God-damned suitcase. I heard her yelling and came out of my room, saying that I'd already returned it and she should have checked her closet before screaming about how I'm ungrateful. She then screamed at me for not telling her I'd replaced it, then huffed off to her room, so I called her immature. Dad then asked me why I had been disrespectful to her earlier this afternoon. I started to tell him how mom was an entirely different person when he's not around, but mom ran back out of her room and said "Oh yes! Go ahead and tell him this secret of yours!" so I said "No" and she kept annoyingly demanding that I tell him whatever I had been about to tell him, so I finally went back into my room without resolving the argument.
I've become so sick of the arguments I have with my parents. They always have the same format as well. Mom is mad, mom tells dad the problem, dad confronts me, i confront mom, mom complains about how I'm ungrateful, dad asks me why I behaved how I did, I explain my situation, mom interrupts me with more bullshit excuses as to why she was in the right, and I leave because dad doesn't understand that the woman he married 18 years ago is now a psychobitch who lies and tries to get people on her side by bad-mouthing her daughter. It's all bullshit. At least I only have 4 1/2 months left. I'm really hoping Corey will be living here by then. If not then I'll just have to wait until college, whether I'm living with Corey or in a dorm.
I don't even feel as if I live here now. I do so much outside the house that I really only come here to sleep and sometimes eat when I have the time. I wonder if me wanting to keep so busy is really just me subconsciously distancing myself from the household.
I'm reading "Flowers for Algernon" and "Brave New World" in my limited free time. "Algernon" is really good. I read until when he falls in love. I'll read more on Wednesday, since I won't have time tomorrow.
There's a new nerdy kid tutor in the Skills Lab at ACC. He's smart but awkward. You know the type. His clothes are nice, he has a low level of testosterone (looks like he's a tall 10 year old,) once thought the Skills Lab was a "communist regime"... Why did he laugh after he said that? That's not funny. This stupid girl asked me when Skills Lab gets out. I asked what she meant and she said "Aren't you a student?" I said yeah, and I'm also a tutor. She then asked when everyone had to leave the Skills Lab and when class officially let out. I stared at her until I realized she thought Skills Lab was a class. ... Wth?
I'm carrying so much pent up stress and frustration and anger. I just want a break from everything, but that won't happen until October when I go to Ohio.
I need to start working on my Hox genes/evolutionary basis of Hox gene utilization in Cnidarians soon. It's going to be really hard. There's not a ton of information about it. But I'll rock the shit out of it, promise.
Typed a ton tonight. It's 1:47 AM. Time for bed.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
=(
I feel so bad every day and I don't know how to make it stop. Should I talk to someone? I just want to break down and cry but where does that get me? No where. But I hate this feeling that I have... I can't shake it hard as I try... I mean, it's occurred every day at least once and I just cannot escape it. Pictures make me cry. I just want it to stop. How am I supposed to continue on in my life with this? I can't move on until I'm over it! So what do I do?!? There's no one that I can talk to who would help me. Not Corey, not Marena... I don't know who to turn to and it's killing me. I just want to feel normal... To not dwell on things like I am now. If I could go back I swear I would... If I could forget it ever happened then I would do anything to forget. But I can't do that! So what are my options? I have none. Coming to terms with this is impossible by myself. I don't know what to do. But I feel so bad.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Quick Update!!!
Kk so I got a round trip flight for Ohio from the 9th to the 14th. Then Corey will be here like 10 days later for about a week or so. Sounds good!
It just occurred to me that I could rejoin my old gym (only one of the three locations this time) and easily work their classes into my schedule. If I did that then my week would look like this:
Sunday:
9:30 am - run
10:30 am - yoga
Possibly work at abercrombie.
Monday:
9:00-1:15 pm - school
Work at abercrombie.
Tuesday:
9:30-4:00pm - school
Work at abercrombie.
Wednesday:
9:00-1:15 pm - school
6:35 pm - run
7:35 pm - kickboxing
Thursday:
9:30-4:00 pm - school
6:30 pm - body sculpt
7:30 pm - yoga
Friday:
9:00-1:15 pm - school
Work at Panera.
Saturday:
Work at abercrombie.
Work at Panera.
Sounds good, yeah? I'll see if I can talk my parents into paying for it... Maybe if I offer for this to be my Christmas and birthday present?
It just occurred to me that I could rejoin my old gym (only one of the three locations this time) and easily work their classes into my schedule. If I did that then my week would look like this:
Sunday:
9:30 am - run
10:30 am - yoga
Possibly work at abercrombie.
Monday:
9:00-1:15 pm - school
Work at abercrombie.
Tuesday:
9:30-4:00pm - school
Work at abercrombie.
Wednesday:
9:00-1:15 pm - school
6:35 pm - run
7:35 pm - kickboxing
Thursday:
9:30-4:00 pm - school
6:30 pm - body sculpt
7:30 pm - yoga
Friday:
9:00-1:15 pm - school
Work at Panera.
Saturday:
Work at abercrombie.
Work at Panera.
Sounds good, yeah? I'll see if I can talk my parents into paying for it... Maybe if I offer for this to be my Christmas and birthday present?
Time for a new post
I can't remember if I capitalize the words of my title or not... It looks weird uncapitalized.
"Time for a new post"
"Time For a New Post"
That looks really official, though. Lemme go check.
Kk so it turns out I do both. I'll just keep it how it is.
I've been in school for a few weeks now. I'm not liking it. I got back from Ohio last night around midnight. I was there for my Labor Day break. We went out to eat, went to Put-In-Bay, and had his birthday party so it was an awesome weekend. I'm way exhausted now but I don't work this afternoon so I'll sleep a bit. Once I'm done writing I'll go check plane ticket prices for October, since I have fall break. I'll go up there on the 9th and we'll either both drive back down on the 13th or I'll get a flight back down. If he drives down then he'll leave on the 18th since he has Greensboro Fire Dept testing on the 26th. That way he can work during the week before and still drive back down again for testing. If he doesn't drive down in order to save gas and money then I'll just get a round trip flight and leave on the 13th, then he'll come down probably on the 25thish.
Wow, that's an awkward word.
And then he'll stay maybe through Halloween. So that annihilates my plans with Kailie and Josh, but it's all good because I'd rather spend it with Corey anyway, ya know?
I don't feel like writing.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Oh Jeez, Not Again....
I'm back in school. NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I am so sick of school! Four classes this semester. Not bad. Chemistry 1, Biology 2, Critical Thinking and Western World Literature. Two labs. =(
Corey left this morning. He didn't get the job he applied for, so now he's enrolling in fire school. It starts on Monday. I was planning to visit him for his birthday party over Labor Day weekend but all the flights we found were either too expensive or didn't have times that I could do. I woke up this morning with the worst feeling of dread I have ever had, thinking that I wouldn't see Corey for 7 weeks (fire school is 6 weeks long.) I went upstairs to wake him so he could start getting ready to leave, and when he woke up he told me that he wanted to stay until Sunday. I was completely happy with that, but when he called his mom to check and see what she thought, she became angry. Then she suggested we check United. KACHING! We got a round trip for 280. Not bad, not bad. So I'll be there over that weekend... then 4 weeks more of his fire school then I'll fly up there for 5 days during my fall break and we'll drive back down so he can stay here for a bit. I'm excited.
I got another new phone. I'm pretty sure insurance was invented for me.
And I got a new backpack!!!!!! I don't know why I'm so excited about it but I am! My old one had holes in the bottom... And the right strap broke at the bottom a long time ago... So I tied it to the clasp. But the top part of it broke the other day, so I tied that end on too. Plus the strap had torn, so the foam padding was sticking out like a backpack mohawk. But my new one is awesome! It's so new! It doesn't even have any holes in it!
I should do homework soon. I've got a TON of reading to do by Tuesday for Critical Thinking and Biology. Plus some Chemistry reading for Monday. And Western Lit reading for tomorrow. Hahahaha, I'll write again in 4 months.
Corey left this morning. He didn't get the job he applied for, so now he's enrolling in fire school. It starts on Monday. I was planning to visit him for his birthday party over Labor Day weekend but all the flights we found were either too expensive or didn't have times that I could do. I woke up this morning with the worst feeling of dread I have ever had, thinking that I wouldn't see Corey for 7 weeks (fire school is 6 weeks long.) I went upstairs to wake him so he could start getting ready to leave, and when he woke up he told me that he wanted to stay until Sunday. I was completely happy with that, but when he called his mom to check and see what she thought, she became angry. Then she suggested we check United. KACHING! We got a round trip for 280. Not bad, not bad. So I'll be there over that weekend... then 4 weeks more of his fire school then I'll fly up there for 5 days during my fall break and we'll drive back down so he can stay here for a bit. I'm excited.
I got another new phone. I'm pretty sure insurance was invented for me.
And I got a new backpack!!!!!! I don't know why I'm so excited about it but I am! My old one had holes in the bottom... And the right strap broke at the bottom a long time ago... So I tied it to the clasp. But the top part of it broke the other day, so I tied that end on too. Plus the strap had torn, so the foam padding was sticking out like a backpack mohawk. But my new one is awesome! It's so new! It doesn't even have any holes in it!
I should do homework soon. I've got a TON of reading to do by Tuesday for Critical Thinking and Biology. Plus some Chemistry reading for Monday. And Western Lit reading for tomorrow. Hahahaha, I'll write again in 4 months.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I feel so shitty. It's 12:25 AM... I can't sleep. It's not just the fact that I've felt sick all day... or that I'm tired because of working for 12 hours. It's not the dread I have in tomorrow. It's not that I wish I could see my friends more.
It's just not something I can talk about. It's not something I should talk about. But ya know... when you have no one to talk to... it gets hard. People need to talk to other people about their problems... their issues... I mean everyone resolves their own conflicts via face-to-face or at least out-loud conversations because that makes them think... it makes them fix things. But I have no one to talk to, and it's really hard having to deal with that.
Work at abercrombie tomorrow... 11-3. Then Panera from 3-close. I'm already exhausted.
I don't know. I have so many things going through my mind right now. I don't even know what to type. I want to cry but I can't produce any more tears. I'm going to be up late tonight... thinking about things.
I hate this start and stop writing that I'm doing right now. My thoughts are so disconnected. I can't even begin to tell you all the things I'm considering.
I want to go throw up.
I I I. That's all I ever say. I hate... I don't... I want... I'm already.... I'm so sick of myself.
It's now 1:21 AM. Still not sleepy. My stomach is churning and the nausea won't leave. I've had a sharp pain all day on the left side... now I feel so sick, plus this dizziness and headache and my neck being stiff. I feel so down right now. I'm starting to cry but I don't know why. What is wrong with me?
It's just not something I can talk about. It's not something I should talk about. But ya know... when you have no one to talk to... it gets hard. People need to talk to other people about their problems... their issues... I mean everyone resolves their own conflicts via face-to-face or at least out-loud conversations because that makes them think... it makes them fix things. But I have no one to talk to, and it's really hard having to deal with that.
Work at abercrombie tomorrow... 11-3. Then Panera from 3-close. I'm already exhausted.
I don't know. I have so many things going through my mind right now. I don't even know what to type. I want to cry but I can't produce any more tears. I'm going to be up late tonight... thinking about things.
I hate this start and stop writing that I'm doing right now. My thoughts are so disconnected. I can't even begin to tell you all the things I'm considering.
I want to go throw up.
I I I. That's all I ever say. I hate... I don't... I want... I'm already.... I'm so sick of myself.
It's now 1:21 AM. Still not sleepy. My stomach is churning and the nausea won't leave. I've had a sharp pain all day on the left side... now I feel so sick, plus this dizziness and headache and my neck being stiff. I feel so down right now. I'm starting to cry but I don't know why. What is wrong with me?
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