Powerless

See this picture? Pretend those silly people aren't standing there, and it's actually you, or me, or your loved one(s), whatever, doesn't matter. We'll use me as the example since it'll be easier to understand.

I am stationary as cars fly by. My speed to theirs is an impossible ratio. 50 MPH, 60 MPH, 70, 80, 90; it doesn't matter. The speedometer could break and it wouldn't make a difference. The tide of flashing lights is against me, wind whipping by me, a current of punctuality. I try to move, to avoid the mirrors and sides of the yellow taxis and shiny, expensive cars, but they're closing in, scraping my arms and leaving paint on my legs. I am in slow motion, powerless to the oncoming pain.

I brace myself. I can see it, several yards ahead, aimed toward me like I was its future lane of travel. It merges into my side, breaking bones and cracking ribs, eager to make it to the final destination. The means do not matter.

I gasp. The pain is unreal, yet slowly increasing. Everything is in slow motion, except for when the car hits. A slow approach, a fast, painful impact, and a tedious seeping of pain throughout my body.

Looking up, more yellow cars are on their way. I am an obstacle, but not a permanent one. Not metal; closer to glass is how I shatter.

The cars bear toward me. One clips my foot, another my opposite side, and finally a direct hit to the left side of my body. It spins me away, collapsing, onto the street. I am the connection between two lanes of travel now. It's only a matter of time until the severance is delivered.



The slothful approach of yellow destruction; the black rubber casually nearing my body. The gradual cringe searches the outskirts of my body, bringing everything in for protection.

And then the end. A fast, devastating end to a terrifying nightmare. The spinal damage creates no pain, and as I slip away, the cars move on. No looking back, no regrets, no thoughts.

Short Chapter!

I've decided I want to break up with Darin. Here's what happened:

He was being super possessive at this party on Saturday... Like, I left the basement to go get a sandwich out of my car and I told him I was going outside to eat and he said, "Kk, that's cool." But then one of my guy friends went outside with me to get something out of his truck, and Darin comes up from the basement after a few minutes and was looking out the window and out the door, looking around for me, then comes out and walks over to my car and asks me what I'm doing(this is a minute after he texted me saying "What are you doing?"). He walks up and asks that same question, and I say "Uhh just eating my sandwich," so he starts talking to my guy friend, Will, the guy who walked outside with me. Then Darin goes back inside and I walk up to the porch and sit on the swing with my buddy Jon and his friend Noah. Will walks up and they started talking about how Darin had been acting funny and searching around for me. Kind of strange and obsessive behavior.

So fast forward one hour, I've got the munchies, so I ask Will if he'll drive over to Harris Teeter to buy food. He says yeah, so I tell Darin "Hey I'm gonna go get food with Will, be back in a bit," (btw, Will and I go to school together so we know each other pretty well. We leave to get food and a few minutes later Darin texts me and asks me where I am. I told him that we went to Burger King because Will wanted that food instead of Harris Teeter, and so we were then sitting in the parking lot eating. Darin then calls and says "Where are you? What are you doing?" and I told him the same thing again. Darin then responds with "Kk, well come back soon," and I say yeah sure and hang up. Then when I get back he texts me:

"Where are you?"

"Upstairs."

"Why don't you come downstairs?"

"I'm hanging with Jon, Will, and Noah."

"So come down here."

"I'm hanging with them..."

"So you can't come down here"

I didn't respond to him because he was pissing me off, but eventually we all went downstairs. Darin started being really obnoxious... Like... Smacking my ass and saying really crude things... which was weird because it was a chill party, not a crazy one, ya know? He was being really belligerent and loud and sexually inappropriate for that specific crowd. After 20 minutes he demands to leave (this is around 230) but I had already pledged to a game of beer pong so I said "No, lemme finish this game," and he says "I fucking hate beer pong," and walks off. I'm just like kk whatever dude... So I finish the game and he comes back and says "Let's go." I say sure bud, and we left. As I followed him back to his place I considered calling Marena but my phone had died and it was 3 AM. I was so mad at how dismissive he was being that I pretended to pass out when we got there so I wouldn't have to be affectionate with him.

I woke up Sunday morning around 12, we got breakfast, wasted time, and then I decided to show him this funny website, and it ended up sparking a conversation about chatroulette. We went onto chatroulette and I started talking to some dude. Darin looked a little bored, so I asked him if he wanted me to get off, and he said "No, it's fine." So ya know, whatever, that process repeats for about 6 minute... I asked him 3 times if he wanted me to get off and he continually said no. He got up after a couple more minutes and said "I'm gonna read," so he grabbed a book and then sat back down in the room. I asked him again, 2 more times, if he wanted me to get off and he said "No, it's cool baby," so I didn't. Then he slammed his book, stood up, and said "This is retarded," and stormed out of the room. I got up, walked over to him and said,

"Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing then tell me straight up and stop bullshitting," and he responded with some stupid excuse so I said, "No, that's not a reason, you need to be honest with me when something bothers you or else I won't know."

And that's the end... We had a little fight but that's not important.

I'm done with him. The question is when to dump him. Should I do it this weekend... Or maybe in a month when I can blame it on the distance (he leaves for Quantico on Tuesday, the 30th)? I'm thinking just chill for a bit then call it off so that he doesn't flip a shit and get mad because I'm breaking up based on personal reasons... Rather than the situation of the relationship. And honestly I'm not in a hurry to date someone else so I can afford to just chill and let him off easy. However, I most likely will see him tonight because he wants to hang out before he leaves tomorrow. So I could easily do it tonight and be done with it all... And just bullshit him by saying it just hit me that I'm getting back into a long-distance relationship and I really don't want to do that all over again.

A Tattoo and an Epiphany

I just had an epiphany and I have to write this down NOW.

I shouldn't be dating right now. Dating is not beneficial for me. And I'm not over my ex. BUT, what I just realized is this: I'm not over him because I don't need to be over him yet! It's been about four months since Corey and I broke up. That's NOTHING compared to two years! Sometimes I wonder if I'm dating my current guy to fill a void... As if he is a placeholder. I also think I'm just too ready to become an adult. And you can't go back after you grow up, ya know?

I got my first tattoo! It says Deo Juvante, in the andalus font. It's on my right shoulder blade. Beautiful.

Time to Get Legit.

Yeahyeah, haven't written in a while. I think, from here on out, I'll get legit. I'll start running in the mornings. I'll stop drinking. I'll stop all things that would be looked down upon. I'll finally slim down. I'll keep the room clean. Take school seriously.

I hope.

I like how only one person reads this blog. It makes me feel like it's a diary. Plus typing is a lot faster than writing.

Whatta Crazy Weekend

I was in a car accident Friday night. I was driving to work in the pouring rain, and I'd been going fairly slowly compared to how I usually drive. The car started to hydroplane, and I wiggled the wheel, thinking it would stop like it always does, but this time it didn't. I kept rolling off to the side. I saw I was going to be in the grass, and had a brief thought that maybe once I was there I would have some traction. I turned the wheel slightly, ready to curve back onto the road, but the ground was so saturated with water that there was zero traction. Looking up, I saw that I was aimed at a barbed wire fence, a telephone pole, two wooden posts and a road sign. I hit them all, curling up in my seat and covering my head. I didn't say anything... I just thought about how I was going to die or be paralyzed or seriously injured. The car came to a stop right in front of another wooden post of the barbed wire fence. I looked up and then dashed out of the car, pushing against the barbed wire, ripping my clothes and cutting into my side. I just wanted to get away from the mangled metal and shattered wood. I ran and then turned and stood in the pouring rain, just staring at the wreckage. A car pulled up and the person got out, checking to see if I was kk. He stood with me until my mom came to get me.

It's Sunday now. My back and neck are killing me. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. My lymph nodes are incredibly swollen, too. My tonsils are the largest I've ever seen them... When I swallow, some of the food gets rejected because of the soreness and how swollen my throat is. The back of my head and my neck are so incredibly stiff. I think I may have a double ear infection, too... My sense of balance has gone to shit.

Interesting weekend. Welcome to being 18.

Not.

I finally took down all the remaining post-it notes and photos of him. I started to cry when the photos were off the wall. I couldn't stop staring at his face and thinking about everything I'd be missing out on... And how finding someone like him is going to be impossible... Improbable... I don't know what word I want to use. It seems like every time I have the pre-period emotional mess, I want to text him and tell him I still love him and just get confirmation that he still loves me. But I can't do that, ya know? I can't think about him in that way for the next two years. But seeing all the photos of us together... Of him holding his nephews, of us holding each other, of his parents and just of him smiling... It kills me.

I took it all down... Saved a few pictures and put the post-its into my hiding place. No more of this.

I have been eating a lot recently. Not gaining weight, but definitely eating a lot more than usual. I should cut that out. I have no restraint when it comes to food. I wish I did. Sometimes after a big meal I want to go throw up like how I used to. I wasn't happy then, but I felt better about myself. Now I just tell myself to not do it, and that there are other ways to not feel as bloated. But the temptation is still there. I wrote a horrible, messed up poem thing about wanting to be anorexic. It's mainly saying how I wish I were hungry... That I hunger to be hungry... It's a giant, continuous play on different ways of expressing a desire to eat or describing how hungry you are. A desire for anorexia.. How messed up is that?

I need to respect my body more. Fast-food is like nutritional smoking. If I wouldn't let myself smoke, why do I let myself eat gross and unhealthy food? It's silly. Come on now, Jj. You're better than this. Lose the God-damned weight, you fat ass.

Run

Imagine this...

You're running, and as you go around and around the track, it seems like the distance shortens. The finish line is closer every time you look up. But does this mean that things are getting easier, or that you have less to run for?

And what if you notice you're running more slowly with each lap? Every time you complete something, you have to try even harder to finish the next, even though it looks easier?

And what if you're racing someone? And even though your track is on the inside, they're gaining on you?

And what if you don't know why this is happening?