This occured in either June or July of 2008.

I felt my sympathetic nervous system spring to action as I read the message he’d sent to his friend.

“Don’t say anything to Jorden if she asks.... If she does ask then say I’m out with Matt, ok?”

“Kk Corey but I don’t really know if you should be going out with other girls when she’s a week away from being there with you. I mean idk. Whatever makes you happy I guess!”

“It’ll be fine. I went out to dinner with Nicole on Tuesday and it went great. We saw a movie too.”

“Oh well that’s cool. Lemme know if you wanna talk, kk? I worry about you.”

“Sure! Thanks!”

“No problem. <3”

I seethed. My heart beat fast as I exited the browser he had left logged in on my phone. How could he do this? The little bastard. I started to sweat down my back, but tried to relax and think logically about what to do. I decided to call Marena and ask. I had had a feeling that something was going on; he had behaved different, wasn’t as openly affectionate, and didn’t like to talk as much at nights. A girl’s intuition is almost always right about a guy. He had been acting just like Levi, my abusive ex-boyfriend who cheated on me twice. I was too naïve back then to really understand what he was doing, so when I confronted him and he yelled at me I let it go. Not this time. Marena didn’t answer her phone, so I left her a message and hung up. Now what? I was shaking. I looked up from his bed to the Post-It notes I’d left on his TV cabinet, spelling out “I love you, Corey!” There was one letter per note. The Os were hearts. I wanted to tear them down but I restrained myself.

What do I do? What should I do? I can’t believe him!

So I waited. He was either at work or school, I don’t remember, so I had a couple hours to think about what to say to him. His parents would be home in an hour. I needed to figure out a plan before then. I could just straight-up confront him, I thought. Or pretend nothing had happened, and then dump the douche bag at the end of our visit. Many options went through my head while my heart pounded and sweat ran down my back. I began to feel nauseous and went to the bathroom. While in there the nausea subsided, and I looked up at my wet face in the mirror. I didn’t look too great.

That’s when the self-doubt let itself in, without even knocking beforehand. If he was with another girl, this Nicole whore, then maybe she’s prettier than I am, or maybe she’s hotter. I’m 5’6”, 130lbs, I wear size 7 jeans and a 34D bra. If I had longer legs I would define a Barbie. I’ve got a nice face, too. So for a girl to be hotter or better looking than me and with my boyfriend... Well, honestly he would have to be paying her because attractive as he is, there’s always a more-attractive person in the relationship. I started picturing what she could possibly look like. I automatically assumed dark brown hair. He’d always been into that. I’m a blue-eyed dirty-blonde with a sprinkling of freckles. I imagined her to be tan, wavy-gorgeous brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a cute, up-turned nose, all things that I find attractive. She also had a body like mine, only she had longer legs, another thing I crave. I wondered what was wrong with me. I was funny, right? And I like to be in your face, but I know when to stop. And yeah, Corey and I were going through a rough patch... But it was due to stress! Some background information:

Two weeks before I left for Ohio, my dog contracted Parvovirus. It’s usually fatal, and he was only 6 months old, so he didn’t have great chances of surviving. It was a week before we suspected anything, and the day we took him to the vet, my parents announced they were getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. It was a very bad day for me. One week later, the shock of the divorce has subsided and I actually start thinking about how the divorce will impact me and my 5 younger siblings. My dog had to receive fluids to stay hydrated, so twice daily I was injecting him with the IV needle because my mother refused to do it. The dog was doing pretty well by the time I went to Ohio, but since the divorce truth had sunk in, I had a lot to think about. Corey and I had gotten into a few fights during the week of Parvo and divorce. I think he was in contact with Ms. Nicole previously to our fighting, however. Maybe our fights made him reach out to her for comfort while we navigated through the rough patch, I don’t know. I could continue to analyze him but it really comes down to finding the easy, rat-like way out instead of working through things with the person you claim to love.

Maybe it was my thighs. I never liked them. I was always too short to have nice thighs. Maybe my boobs are too big... or maybe I just am too much of a blond with my naturally light eyebrows and eyelashes, while he’s always gone for darker features. I shouldn’t have tried to please him by being something different than what he liked. That’s like offering Tiramisu to someone who wants a Canoli. It’ll do for a while, but come on, nothing compares to good old tried-and-true Canoli. Well, why couldn’t I be his God damn Canoli?

I stopped thinking about Canoli as more tears snuck out of my blue, not brown, eyes. I cried to myself for a while, although my reflection showed no sympathy. The dark brown mascara I had applied earlier slid down my face like dirt down the sidewalk during the rain. I wiped it away with the back of my hand and went into Corey’s room to get my makeup and fix my face before anyone got home. I didn’t like to show my feelings, and I would make sure that his parents wouldn’t know anything had occurred.

I was cool toward him when he got home, giving him a brief peck on the cheek and then not asking about his day. I didn’t care. He could go tell Nicole the Whore about his day. I’m sure she’d enjoy that more than I would.

I began the conversation with no idea what I was going to say, or any plan of attack. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to work things out just throw it all to the wind and give up, or maybe make him suffer for the next 5 days that I’d be in Ohio. I started by asking:

“Is everything okay with us?”

He looked up. He was changing out of his clothes and into pajamas. I checked him out, this 18-year-old boy who said he loved me more than anything else in the world. I had no desire for him. Usually seeing him change would make me want to slip out of my clothes as well, but not this time.

“Yeah, why? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” He inquired.

I considered telling him outright what had made me almost retch with hatred and anxiety.

“Well, no. I’m not fine. Are you seeing someone else?” I said after a pause, trying to will myself to say what was wrong. I had had so much anger earlier... where had that gone? Why was I now nervous? Was it because I was having flashbacks of Levi, and I felt as if Corey would strike me, too?

“No, baby! You KNOW I would never do that to you! What makes you think that?”

I clenched my teeth to keep my jaw from dropping. He had just lied to me. Out-right. And I knew it! I had proof! I decided to see if he would fess up on his own.

“I don’t know, I feel as if we haven’t been a very good couple lately, and I wonder if it’s because you’re interested in someone else. I mean, are you seeing another girl? I feel as if there’s another girl I should be wary of, or that you’re lying to me, or something.”

“Sweetie, you know I would never do that. I LOVE you. I NEED you. There’s no other girl to worry about, honey! You are the only girl for me.”

So he wasn’t planning on admitting it. The conversation continued on in this fashion until finally I couldn’t take any more lies.

“Corey, stop fucking lying to me! I KNOW you went out with some girl on Tuesday, I KNOW you had dinner and saw a movie with her! And I KNOW you went out with her again Friday night when you were a FUCKING HOUR AND A HALF LATE GETTING HOME! I fucking READ your messages and I know you’re lying to me. You are fucking lying to me, Corey! What the FUCK?!? What the fuck, Corey?”

The rest of the conversation doesn’t matter. It was never resolved. We ended up going to sleep after he fell to his knees and asked to be forgiven, tears falling down his face like they had done on mine hours previous. I had no pity. I knew he felt horrible. I made sure he did. He fell asleep before I did, as usual, and I stayed up thinking about what I wanted. I had humiliated him. I was terrific at making people feel horrible. I had torn him up without a thought to his confidence. I smiled at the satisfaction of bringing him to tears, but it was a hollow satisfaction. Where do I go from here? We somehow made it through the week. I later ended up meeting this Nicole. She was tan and dark haired, like I had imagined, but she had a belly and cellulite thighs. Her teeth were pretty fucked up, too. This is the best he can get, I remember thinking. I had never been more in love with myself than I was at that moment. Corey and I worked it out, like always, and we’re still going strong today. I later also learned that he had never done anything with her (something that definitely factored in to me forgiving, but never forgetting.)

I yawn like a lion!

Today Corey and I took his dog on a hike. It was exhausting. I was trying to show off for him by bounding from rock to rock and hopping over mud pits like it was nothing. Now I'm sore as something very inappropriate. He scheduled a night shift, midnight to 8am. He'll crawl into bed with me when he gets home... although I woke up at 7AM! this morning and fidgeted for 2 hours before finding some breakfast. I'm up here in Ohio until Sunday because I have a week off between spring and summer semesters. I got As in all my classes! Even biology. That's impressive for me. I should prolly get in touch with the C-STEP guy at ACC but I'm so lazy that it probably won't happen until like July.

Corey and I are spectacular! STELLAR! Is that how you spell it? Steller... Stellar... Yeah it's an A.

I'm going to start doing video diaries of us whenever we're together. One video per day. Yes, I'll put them on YouTube. My username is jjexohexoh on there. But don't check me out yet because I haven't posted anything yet. I think I'll save up for a Flip camcorder. I don't know. I have like maybe 15$$ in the bank right now, it's so bad. I'm poor as shiitaki mushrooms. How do you spell shiitaki? Am I spelling it right?

I just ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese. The entire box. Corey didn't even eat a single bite. That's like 250% of what I should have eaten, or like 2.5 times the serving suggestion. I am so stuffed. I'm stuffed like the pig my uncle grilled in his backyard for our white trash Thanksgiving. Haha! You thought I was gonna say Easter! Or something that's not Thanksgiving! Well see in Southernboro, Hicktown, we eat pigs, not turkeys. Turkeys are too healthy! Gross! We need some greasy pig! Mmm mmm good!

I don't eat pig, actually.

I eat bacon, though, but I also like turkey bacon, so PETA, before you hunt me down, at least I'm choosing the healthier, uglier alternative. Because pigs are cute. I have never seen a cute turkey. Not even the one Sarah Palin had in her retarded news video. I almost spelled Satan right there. Woah!

Food-induced coma time.

Easter Break

I'm in a hospital right now, waiting for Corey to get out of class. I decided to come with him so I would work on my paper.... so much for that! No actually I have done some of it but I've lost the mood so I decided to go and do a blog post. I'm writing a paper on the courses of action taken by the nearby police forces after Hurricane Katrina. Blah.

So I got here Wednesday night after a 3-hour layover in Detroit. It was bad. But I got here about 10:30-11 and he picked me up at the CAK airport. =) That was a great reunion. We needed to be together... it had been way too long emotionally for both of us. I am reminded now why I love him so much. We're going out to eat with his bud from class later tonight. That'll be fun. I've wanted to meet his classmate since Corey first started these paramedic classes and became friends with the guy. So we're finally getting around to that tonight. I don't know where we're going to eat yet; we'll decide later. I'm wearing my new Steve Madden black patent buckle peep-toe booties. Oh yeah. Sexy, I know. They're my new current shoe-loves. I should work on my paper now.

Piling Up Like the Laundry on My Floor

I had a breakdown last night. It seems like everything needs to be done and dealt with right now but I don't have the time or patience to do it all. I feel like I'm being tested by life. I have to write my challenge essay for the C-STEP program application which is due April 1st, which is the same day that I can sign up for summer and fall classes, which will determine my availability to work this summer and fall in addition to my availability for tutoring for psychology at the Skills Lab. I don't have time to devote to a social life at all. I was invited to a party tonight but I work until closing and I don't think I could make it there in time for it to be worth the drive. I'll be really tired by then too since it's a 7-hour shift. I'm waiting for my bud to call me with some details about the when and where and who of the party. I'd have to stay the night somewhere, too, although that shouldn't be too big of a problem. I can't even drive after 9 PM, yet! Well, I can, but only if it's to home or to work.

I got home from work last night around 11 and called my boyfriend to relax. I was already in a foul mood from not being able to find someone to cover my shift for tonight, and when he began talking about some issues I snapped at him. He said his middle sister had called the younger sister saying for her and the rest of the family not to contact her for 2 weeks or until she contacted them. Corey then went into this spiel about how if his sister and her husband are getting a divorce then because of the Nevada laws she would have to stay in the state because no one gets full custody, and I snapped at him because I thought it was stupid to automatically assume that because she said not to contact her for 2 weeks, she was getting a divorce. I stopped bitching for a minute and he took the opportunity to snap at me and to tell me to chill out. He asked why I was jumping down his throat because he had mentioned the divorce thing, and I realized how mean I was being and started crying. I think it was the stress from signing up to be a tutor, the fall and summer classes schedule, the requirement to take 5 classes, my job, not having a social life or being able to go out when I get invited to a rare party, and the fact that Corey's computer had gotten a virus and now we couldn't video that made me breakdown. It's just so much to handle for me right now, and additionally having to consider how he's moving here in 3 months and how much our relationship will be changed by that. But I just cried and cried for almost a half hour, telling him how stressed out I was and apologizing for being a bitch. Also, I accidentally backed into my dad's car about a week ago and now have to pay him for the damages plus I have to pay for a plane ticket for April 8th and April 12th, and I have to pay for my car insurance, so financially I'm stretched. I barely have anything in my bank account now as it is. I'm really having a hard time keeping my chin up when there's so much for me to take care of and I've lost my support system besides Marena and Corey (Marena is my best friend, by the way). I really need a break. I won't even get this summer off because like I said, I have to take classes. That way I'll qualify for the C-STEP program for graduation in summer 2010. Then it's off to UNC for 2 years, then med school for 4 years, then my residency. Maybe I'll get a break when I'm 30.

It's 12:05 AM....

And I am tired!

Corey and I looked at apartments while he was down in North Carolina. We found some near the UNC campus that we really like. The pet fee is ridiculous, though. We might have to hold off on getting our dogs. I should be doing my statistics homework right now but I'm not feeling the math currently. Corey and I had a "talk" the other night. Well, it was more like our first real argument. The strain of school and work is really getting to us both, and we take it out on each other, too. It ended well and we emerged stronger, which is good. We're back on track. I'm up here in Ohio right now. He's working a night shift so he can spend the days with me and work while I sleep so he can get a decent number of hours in without compromising our time together. He gets off at 7:00 AM. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home, but he can climb into bed with me when he gets here.

I think my new birth control is affecting me in a weird way. I have a mucho diminished appetite; I can only eat when I'm hungry. And here's the crazy thing: I will actually REFUSE food now. WHAT!?!! Since when have I ever refused food? I don't know. But I've lost 4 lbs, which makes me feel good about myself. Not that I need to lose weight in any way but maybe shrink my belly a bit by not always being stuffed with food. I feel good, but also I think it's affecting my libido. On Ortho Tricyclen, as the hormone dosage increased, I had a higher and higher libido. With Yasmin, the dosage is the same throughout the entire month (something I'm not used to.) One of the points Corey brought up in our argument was that our intimacy rate has dropped substantially in comparison to our usual rate. Once I actually thought about it I realized that he was totally right. I hadn't even realized it, but instead of maybe 14 times a week (I know that's a lot but we're young and not together all the time,) we're averaging 5 times per visit. That's nothing. That's straight pathetic, honestly. So he and I will work on that. If we determine it was just us and our schedules and stress levels then I'll rule out the new birth control as being the culprit. I don't want to give these new pills up; they're spectacular.

Time for bed.

Day After Valentine's Day Post

I’m writing a paper on polygamy for my English 112 class at ACC. Well, actually I’m not writing my paper because I’m sitting here typing this instead, but it’s due on Wednesday so I have time. Corey is at work now until 7:30, but I work at 7:00 so it’s awful timing. I’m so ready to be with him again... it’s only been a week and a half since he was last here but I feel like it’s taken forever. One week and 6 more days until he’s here, and then I’ll go back with him to Ohio for a week over my spring break. No beach parties for me. I’d rather spend it up in cold, nasty Ohio with my boy. He needs a break. He has either school or work every day of the week. He won’t even get a break on the day he drives down here, either; he has a test that morning. So his first day off will be the first of March. That’s brutal. I mean, I work a part time job and try to maintain my GPA, but that’s nothing compared to saving lives while trying to pass a class as hard as his. He’s incredible. He’s so giving and selfless it makes me sick sometimes. Sure, he has his slip-ups, but he’s such a pure person on the inside that it’s hard to stay mad for long. I think that if our situations were to switch and I were choosing whether to move to Ohio or not, I wouldn’t, just because I am not that confident in myself to throw away my family and friends here for a life in Ohio. But maybe I would. I don’t know. He and I are very different people. Maybe the sunny weather here is a little more of an incentive to move, though. Tomorrow will be his and my 15-month anniversary. We stopped caring as much about our month anniversaries once we hit the 1-year mark. I like it better this way because it doesn’t seem as juvenile, like, “oh! Another month! Congrats!” you know? I should probably work on my paper now. Luckily this is my final required English class for an Associate Degree. My last semester of easy A’s!

Valentine's Day Post

It’s Valentine’s Day, and he and I are 500 miles away.

Actually, it’s 500.3 miles away, with him in Akron, OH and I in Graham, NC, and us being 500 miles away from each other is no change from the usual. Corey and I are in a long distance relationship. We met through Facebook, the popular college kid social networking site, and we didn’t hit it off at all. It was summer 2007, and I was too caught up in my own sophomore-in-highschool drama that I brushed his random “Hey, what’s up?” Facebook message out of my mind. He and my best friend had met on a cruise in January and had become friends after (this is how he found me on Facebook.) However, I ignored the message as the same best friend called to tell me the latest news between her and her boyfriend. I had a boyfriend at the time, too, a 6’2” blond basketball player. Although the relationship was shallow and all we did was go to movies without watching the film, I was content. However, Corey was relentless. He messaged me again through Facebook, saying something like “Hey, how are you?” This time I decided to reply and told him I was fine, and how was he? We continued talking for a couple months, and I started to like this college dropout from Akron, OH. My basketball player boyfriend and I decided to break up in September, and Corey and I began talking to each other every night, realizing how much we did and did not have in common with each other. He was an ex-baseball player that had a tattoo and a cocky, exaggerative attitude, and I was a skanky highschool kid with dyed hair and a great body. We were perfect for each other. I admit that we did mess around a little in October over an Instant Messenger. Toward the end of October, he asked if he could fly down from Ohio to meet me. I said no. This 18-year-old guy from another state wanted to meet me? Uhm, no thanks, kid. That required too much commitment and too little safety. But I had spoken with my mom about how I’d been talking to this kid over Facebook, and a week or so later she suggested that he come down to visit. I was shocked, but intrigued. Maybe for the weekend, I thought. So I told Corey that yes he could come, and he made arrangements for a flight 2 weeks later. He arrived in the Raleigh/Durham airport on November 15. I waited nervously with 3 of my siblings in the airport lobby. What if he wasn’t as attractive in real life as he was online? I’d be stuck with a loser for the weekend. Additionally, I didn’t tell my best friend that he was coming to see me. Corey and I had decided not to tell anyone in case things didn’t work out. It would be easier that way for both of us. I held my sister’s hand as I waited for the screen to announce that his plane had arrived. When it did, my palms started to sweat. What the hell was I doing? But since I couldn’t back out, I waited for him to come down the escalator, worried that I wouldn’t recognize him. I did. He grinned as he waited for the woman in front of him to get out of the way and then walked toward me. I grinned, too, because he was grinning, and we embraced and kissed for the first time in real life. The next day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We’ve been dating ever since.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day.

I miss him. He and I are both working today, but maybe we’ll get some time to webcam later tonight when I get off my shift. He and I have both realized how hard it is to maintain a job, succeed in school, and tend to a long-distance relationship at the same time. He’s planning to move here in August and get a job with the Durham fire department or Durham EMS. Since he’ll be certified as a paramedic in June, he’ll already have a lot of the training required for his future career. I sent him a letter two days ago, and I hope he gets it today. It’s a Valentine’s Day card. He had asked for no gift, even though he had given me a diamond and white gold heart necklace. He’s changed a lot from when we met. We both have. We’ve talked about future kids, a future home, living together, having our own dogs, all these plans we have for each other once he’s here in North Carolina, but none of it has seemed real to me until recently. I guess because it is so close to happening. I’m 17, and he’s 19. I know it sounds young and stupid but maybe it’s better that way than not having made plans by now.