A Marine's Attempt, a Boy's Attempt

I woke up this morning to a Facebook chat message from my cousin, Jordan. He's in the Marines and stationed in Okinawa currently. It simply said "Merry Christmas" and to pass the message along to my entire family. I said that I would, and he said that we'd talk later. I laughed, and when he asked why I responded that he was ending the conversation really quickly. We then proceeded to talk about our lives and what's been happening recently. He and his girlfriend/ex-fiance recently broke up for good, and he isn't handling it well. He has put so much dependency into her that for her to break his heart like this... It's awful to see. We talked about that for a bit and then he said that he had something he needed to tell me, but that I couldn't tell anyone else because of how bad it was. I promised not to tell and asked him what was wrong.

He attempted to hang himself, twice. The first time the rope slid off the pole, the second time he couldn't go through with it.

I've never been faced with a close one attempting suicide before. I had no idea what to say. I asked him why he'd attempted, and he said that the girlfriend had hurt him so much that it wasn't worth it for him to continue living for himself or for his family or the Marines. He joined the Marines for her, to give her a better life in the end, but things weren't working out the way he had hoped. Another piece of information: he's 20, and she's 17. They're incredibly young! And that's why it's such a difficult situation; he doesn't realize that there are other reasons for him to live than just a girl back at home.

We switched over the AIM and I tried asking him questions about his situation in Japan: what's it like, what's there to do, friends, etc. Anything to keep his mind off of her.

Me 11:41 am
i'm thinking maybe you could talk to a chaplain
would you be willing to do that?
because i know that i can't be here for you 24/7
Jordan 11:42 am
it probably would be a good idea for me at this point
probably should have yesterday but oh well
Me 11:43 am
i mean either do it for me or stephanie or your family or your neighbor
Me 11:43 am
or just for yourself
Jordan 11:43 am
yea
Me 11:43 am
will you?
Jordan 11:44 am
yea ill get my sergeant to take me tomorrow
Me 11:44 am
do you promise jordan?
please?
Jordan 11:44 am
yes
i promise
Me 11:44 am
thank you
Me 11:45 am
you're inspiration to me
Jordan 11:45 am
i dont want to be the guy who threatens to jump off a building change my mind and slip
thank you
Me 11:45 am
hahah
i don't want you to be that guy either
Jordan 11:46 am
i really mean thank you
i'm telling you it's something about our name
Me 11:46 am
gotta be
hahahh
what time is it where you are right now?
Jordan 11:46 am
1 47 in the morin
Me 11:47 am
holy crap jordan
Jordan 11:47 am
yea
i'm glad i stayed up though
Jordan 11:47 am
my baby cousin helped me out today who would've thunk it
my fingers are stating to riot
Me 11:48 am
i'm here for you no matter what
please don't forget that
we're family
Jordan 11:49 am
i won't i felt like i was drifting away from all of y'all but you helped me out on that one
Me 11:49 am
i know that you act really tough in person but even you need to let people in and let people help you
Jordan 11:49 am
i know
Me 11:50 am
are you going to bed now?
Jordan 11:50 am
it's just i don't let people in because i get attached to someone and then they leave and it's just me and my feelings it's always been easier to cover them up with a joke and a laugh
but yea i gotta get up at 5
Me 11:51 am
i'm not leaving any time soon
so start with me
but you need to sleep
so i'll talk to you later jordan
Jordan 11:51 am
ok
Me 11:51 am
we love you so much
more than you know
keep being a badass marine
Jordan 11:51 am
i love y'all too more than i show
Me 11:51 am
hahahahah
Jordan 11:52 am
i will, don't tell anyone i gotta heart
Me 11:52 am
kk
deal
Jordan 11:52 am
ok thank you
bye
Me 11:52 am
gnight

He's just a boy. He's only 20. He has so much growing up to do. It kills me... Just absolutely kills me that he's so dependent on his girlfriend. I like her as a person but not as what controls his life. I'll keep you guys updated.

Sleep texting?!?!

Here's what I've decided to do. I'm gonna keep the blog, change the name, and keep writing. Because it helps me, a lot. =)

I've texted in my sleep before, as well as IMed. But Christmas Eve was different. The last time I remember seeing on my clock was 10:50. When I woke up Christmas day, I scrolled through my inbox and saw that I'd received two texts at midnight. The first was a Facebook notification, the other a text from Corey. Both had been opened and read. I had no idea what they said, so I opened them both and saw that Corey had simply told me that he was home and going to bed soon (we're still on good terms although we broke up a month ago). Puzzled, I went to my sent messages. In the folder was a response, basically saying that I loved him and hoped that he'd sleep well, and that we'd talk tomorrow. I have absolutely no recollection of either reading these texts and sending a response. Later Christmas day, I was looking through my recent calls just to see that at exactly midnight, I had attempted to call some 7-digit number. Thankfully, it wasn't a legitimate number and didn't go through. I don't remember doing any of this!

I've IMed in my sleep before. One time, I had been signed on to AIM with multiple chat windows up and my browser contained 5 or 6 tabs of sites. I was also listening to music. When I passed out, my monitor was crazy cluttered. When I woke up, everything was neatly minimized, bookmarked, and exited. I do not remember doing this, either! I had also IMed my bud from school at 1:30 AM, although thankfully he had been asleep.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is a serious problem. Should I go to a sleep doctor or something? My dad says it's just a lack of sleep. I'm not sure about that. I've had these random occurrences for nearly two months now. Well, I guess it could be sleep deprivation. I've been working nonstop and just got out for the semester, so sleep has been scarce recently. But why would that become a problem now? I don't understand!

And I have trouble falling asleep already. It's not like I can go to bed earlier... I'll just toss and turn until the normal time that I sleep.

We Were Never Meant for Do or Die

Corey and I have decided to break up. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right. I'm very overwhelmed; the divorce, this relationship ending, school... All of it is hard to deal with at one time.

I don't feel like writing.

Should I rename this blog?

"Already Gone" - Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

I say things I don't mean as you mean things you don't say.

How do you base a two-year relationship on a single interview? How can you condemn a love like this to the outcome of a half hour exchange of words? If you aren't happy then fix the problem yourself; it's not my fucking fault. If there's a way I can help you then God damn it why don't you tell me?

These hot tears stain my face like your words dig in; relentless, overwhelming. I can move on and find someone who will treat me better than this but I don't want to. I want you. But my words are twisted; the emotion straining my vocal chords creates a disconnect between tone and mood.

What I'm saying is not conveying, the meaning, though I'm screaming, on the inside, comes out as lies.

I say things I don't mean as you mean things you don't say.

Our misinterpretations, are only simple representations, of a problem never fixed. How did we end up like this?

And your thoughts, have always crossed, your own mind, but not mine, so when we are introduced, hatred is produced.

Your claims, sound like blames, to me they're new, but old and lingering for you.

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Lo siento. Y sé no hay mucho que puedo decir.

Voy a permanecer despierto toda la noche porque necesito escribir este reporte. Es para mi clase de biología. No estoy recibiendo buenos grados en escuela. Estoy triste.

Corey is in town. I should be working on my laboratory report for tomorrow but I haven't posted in a while. It's October 26th... Almost November! Wow. This year has gone by so quickly. I recently found out that I have to take 6 classes next semester, plus Intermediate Spanish in the summer. Right now I've signed up to take Chemistry 2, Intro to Zoology, Sociology of the Family, Drawing, General Microbiology and The World Since 1945. I'm actually excited to take some of those classes. Drawing will be nice for me. Sociology of the Family, I think, will be my favorite class. I manipulated my other classes around the Since 1945 class because I don't know anything about history and I think I should fix that before I get to UNC and end up showing people how ignorant I am in that regard. Plus dad can always help me when I don't understand a concept. I got a 92 on my chemistry exam this morning! I was so proud. Apparently I also have a 4.0 GPA. =)

He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.

I keep thinking of this line as I become more and more stressed and am tempted by sinful things, such as laziness. Regardless of how stressed or frustrated I become, I know that God is there for me so that I don't have to take the easy way out.

I'm thinking of creating a separate blog to write about my interpretations of biblical verses. I think that would be good for me.

Something Cliche About Teen Angst

I really do not enjoy living with my parents. They don't really seem to understand what I'm going through. Like my grades, for instance. So far, this semester has been really disappointing to me, since I've made 2 C's, 1 B, and 3 A's. That's not a good ratio. I'm really really frustrated with myself, and whenever I report my grades to dad, he asks me if I see an A as something possible. It pisses me off since obviously an A is possible... I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm going to try harder... I may quit Panera. I need to get good grades. I can't have A's up until this point, and then suddenly add a scattering of B's.

Another thing that angers me: my mother's lifestyle. I find her so hypocritical. We're not allowed to curse, and yet whenever she's angry (like at the girls, or Facebook, or because she doesn't understand how to use her phone) she curses and screams and stomps around the house like some sort of African tribal ritual. I don't even care that I can't curse... My problem is that she acts like she can do whatever the hell she wants without consequences. And she's so immature! She SCREAMS and HITS the computer if Facebook isn't working, as if it's her staple of life. And then she gets even more pissed off when I make fun of her. I shouldn't tease but she looks ridiculous. She never used to be like this. Up until I was 15, she never had these crazy random outbursts of anger and uncalled-for bouts of rage. Now she's freaking insane. Is it a midlife crisis? Is she bipolar? I know she took antidepressants. I mean, what the hell is going on?

Dad is okay, but so uninvolved in everything. He knows maybe the surface of my life. He knows I work a lot, I go to school a lot, I don't have many friends. But beyond that? Nothing. The only times I talk to both of my parents are when they're mad at me. Like this afternoon. I borrowed mom's suitcase for my trip to Ohio and never returned it to her closet. She asked me earlier to give it back, and I was in the middle of 3 different tasks so I told her to do it herself. She flipped out and started yelling at me, so I walked off, not wanting to deal with her. Maybe 10 minutes later I put it back neatly in her closet. Then, maybe 6 hours later, she storms into dad's room, yelling about how I'm an ungrateful child and I won't even return her God-damned suitcase. I heard her yelling and came out of my room, saying that I'd already returned it and she should have checked her closet before screaming about how I'm ungrateful. She then screamed at me for not telling her I'd replaced it, then huffed off to her room, so I called her immature. Dad then asked me why I had been disrespectful to her earlier this afternoon. I started to tell him how mom was an entirely different person when he's not around, but mom ran back out of her room and said "Oh yes! Go ahead and tell him this secret of yours!" so I said "No" and she kept annoyingly demanding that I tell him whatever I had been about to tell him, so I finally went back into my room without resolving the argument.

I've become so sick of the arguments I have with my parents. They always have the same format as well. Mom is mad, mom tells dad the problem, dad confronts me, i confront mom, mom complains about how I'm ungrateful, dad asks me why I behaved how I did, I explain my situation, mom interrupts me with more bullshit excuses as to why she was in the right, and I leave because dad doesn't understand that the woman he married 18 years ago is now a psychobitch who lies and tries to get people on her side by bad-mouthing her daughter. It's all bullshit. At least I only have 4 1/2 months left. I'm really hoping Corey will be living here by then. If not then I'll just have to wait until college, whether I'm living with Corey or in a dorm.

I don't even feel as if I live here now. I do so much outside the house that I really only come here to sleep and sometimes eat when I have the time. I wonder if me wanting to keep so busy is really just me subconsciously distancing myself from the household.

I'm reading "Flowers for Algernon" and "Brave New World" in my limited free time. "Algernon" is really good. I read until when he falls in love. I'll read more on Wednesday, since I won't have time tomorrow.

There's a new nerdy kid tutor in the Skills Lab at ACC. He's smart but awkward. You know the type. His clothes are nice, he has a low level of testosterone (looks like he's a tall 10 year old,) once thought the Skills Lab was a "communist regime"... Why did he laugh after he said that? That's not funny. This stupid girl asked me when Skills Lab gets out. I asked what she meant and she said "Aren't you a student?" I said yeah, and I'm also a tutor. She then asked when everyone had to leave the Skills Lab and when class officially let out. I stared at her until I realized she thought Skills Lab was a class. ... Wth?

I'm carrying so much pent up stress and frustration and anger. I just want a break from everything, but that won't happen until October when I go to Ohio.

I need to start working on my Hox genes/evolutionary basis of Hox gene utilization in Cnidarians soon. It's going to be really hard. There's not a ton of information about it. But I'll rock the shit out of it, promise.

Typed a ton tonight. It's 1:47 AM. Time for bed.