Whatta Crazy Weekend

I was in a car accident Friday night. I was driving to work in the pouring rain, and I'd been going fairly slowly compared to how I usually drive. The car started to hydroplane, and I wiggled the wheel, thinking it would stop like it always does, but this time it didn't. I kept rolling off to the side. I saw I was going to be in the grass, and had a brief thought that maybe once I was there I would have some traction. I turned the wheel slightly, ready to curve back onto the road, but the ground was so saturated with water that there was zero traction. Looking up, I saw that I was aimed at a barbed wire fence, a telephone pole, two wooden posts and a road sign. I hit them all, curling up in my seat and covering my head. I didn't say anything... I just thought about how I was going to die or be paralyzed or seriously injured. The car came to a stop right in front of another wooden post of the barbed wire fence. I looked up and then dashed out of the car, pushing against the barbed wire, ripping my clothes and cutting into my side. I just wanted to get away from the mangled metal and shattered wood. I ran and then turned and stood in the pouring rain, just staring at the wreckage. A car pulled up and the person got out, checking to see if I was kk. He stood with me until my mom came to get me.

It's Sunday now. My back and neck are killing me. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. My lymph nodes are incredibly swollen, too. My tonsils are the largest I've ever seen them... When I swallow, some of the food gets rejected because of the soreness and how swollen my throat is. The back of my head and my neck are so incredibly stiff. I think I may have a double ear infection, too... My sense of balance has gone to shit.

Interesting weekend. Welcome to being 18.

Not.

I finally took down all the remaining post-it notes and photos of him. I started to cry when the photos were off the wall. I couldn't stop staring at his face and thinking about everything I'd be missing out on... And how finding someone like him is going to be impossible... Improbable... I don't know what word I want to use. It seems like every time I have the pre-period emotional mess, I want to text him and tell him I still love him and just get confirmation that he still loves me. But I can't do that, ya know? I can't think about him in that way for the next two years. But seeing all the photos of us together... Of him holding his nephews, of us holding each other, of his parents and just of him smiling... It kills me.

I took it all down... Saved a few pictures and put the post-its into my hiding place. No more of this.

I have been eating a lot recently. Not gaining weight, but definitely eating a lot more than usual. I should cut that out. I have no restraint when it comes to food. I wish I did. Sometimes after a big meal I want to go throw up like how I used to. I wasn't happy then, but I felt better about myself. Now I just tell myself to not do it, and that there are other ways to not feel as bloated. But the temptation is still there. I wrote a horrible, messed up poem thing about wanting to be anorexic. It's mainly saying how I wish I were hungry... That I hunger to be hungry... It's a giant, continuous play on different ways of expressing a desire to eat or describing how hungry you are. A desire for anorexia.. How messed up is that?

I need to respect my body more. Fast-food is like nutritional smoking. If I wouldn't let myself smoke, why do I let myself eat gross and unhealthy food? It's silly. Come on now, Jj. You're better than this. Lose the God-damned weight, you fat ass.

Run

Imagine this...

You're running, and as you go around and around the track, it seems like the distance shortens. The finish line is closer every time you look up. But does this mean that things are getting easier, or that you have less to run for?

And what if you notice you're running more slowly with each lap? Every time you complete something, you have to try even harder to finish the next, even though it looks easier?

And what if you're racing someone? And even though your track is on the inside, they're gaining on you?

And what if you don't know why this is happening?

BLAH.BLAH.BLAH.

Back to life. I'm taking microbiology, zoology, sociology, chemistry 2, and abnormal psychology. Fun stuff, yeah??? No. But I'm gonna learn a lot so that's exciting.

I quit Panera. I've finally got weekends free.

Uhh. I think that's all.

24 (that's what I call the marine among my friends) invited me to his coworker's birthday barbecue thing next Saturday. How legit!

Whatta fattie.

I took a good look at myself today in Nordstrom's mirrors. They have it set up so that you can see yourself from behind, the side, and obviously the front. I'm sort of chubby. Like, there's just a little bit too much to love going on. Thankfully I'll be able to go to the gym way more often with school starting back up. I think I'll try to do two classes and run two miles (army fit test) every time I go. Also, I've resolved that I will eat nothing but natural foods (fruit, veggies, NO BREAD, minimal yogurt, only white meat, NOTHING PROCESSED, NO FAST FOOD, etc.) until I weigh less than 130. As in, I'm in the 120s. I want to get down to 120, because that's the last time I was actually happy with what I weighed. I'm sort of a blub right now. I mean, yeah, I have huge-ass boobs and a gigantorama butt. But no 17-almost-18 yr old girl wants a gut like a 23 yr old beta male and cellulite beginning to show. I'm too young to be unattractive! So beginning now, no shit food. And minimal calories, too. My metabolism is too slow for me to eat as much as I usually do.

A Marine's Attempt, a Boy's Attempt

I woke up this morning to a Facebook chat message from my cousin, Jordan. He's in the Marines and stationed in Okinawa currently. It simply said "Merry Christmas" and to pass the message along to my entire family. I said that I would, and he said that we'd talk later. I laughed, and when he asked why I responded that he was ending the conversation really quickly. We then proceeded to talk about our lives and what's been happening recently. He and his girlfriend/ex-fiance recently broke up for good, and he isn't handling it well. He has put so much dependency into her that for her to break his heart like this... It's awful to see. We talked about that for a bit and then he said that he had something he needed to tell me, but that I couldn't tell anyone else because of how bad it was. I promised not to tell and asked him what was wrong.

He attempted to hang himself, twice. The first time the rope slid off the pole, the second time he couldn't go through with it.

I've never been faced with a close one attempting suicide before. I had no idea what to say. I asked him why he'd attempted, and he said that the girlfriend had hurt him so much that it wasn't worth it for him to continue living for himself or for his family or the Marines. He joined the Marines for her, to give her a better life in the end, but things weren't working out the way he had hoped. Another piece of information: he's 20, and she's 17. They're incredibly young! And that's why it's such a difficult situation; he doesn't realize that there are other reasons for him to live than just a girl back at home.

We switched over the AIM and I tried asking him questions about his situation in Japan: what's it like, what's there to do, friends, etc. Anything to keep his mind off of her.

Me 11:41 am
i'm thinking maybe you could talk to a chaplain
would you be willing to do that?
because i know that i can't be here for you 24/7
Jordan 11:42 am
it probably would be a good idea for me at this point
probably should have yesterday but oh well
Me 11:43 am
i mean either do it for me or stephanie or your family or your neighbor
Me 11:43 am
or just for yourself
Jordan 11:43 am
yea
Me 11:43 am
will you?
Jordan 11:44 am
yea ill get my sergeant to take me tomorrow
Me 11:44 am
do you promise jordan?
please?
Jordan 11:44 am
yes
i promise
Me 11:44 am
thank you
Me 11:45 am
you're inspiration to me
Jordan 11:45 am
i dont want to be the guy who threatens to jump off a building change my mind and slip
thank you
Me 11:45 am
hahah
i don't want you to be that guy either
Jordan 11:46 am
i really mean thank you
i'm telling you it's something about our name
Me 11:46 am
gotta be
hahahh
what time is it where you are right now?
Jordan 11:46 am
1 47 in the morin
Me 11:47 am
holy crap jordan
Jordan 11:47 am
yea
i'm glad i stayed up though
Jordan 11:47 am
my baby cousin helped me out today who would've thunk it
my fingers are stating to riot
Me 11:48 am
i'm here for you no matter what
please don't forget that
we're family
Jordan 11:49 am
i won't i felt like i was drifting away from all of y'all but you helped me out on that one
Me 11:49 am
i know that you act really tough in person but even you need to let people in and let people help you
Jordan 11:49 am
i know
Me 11:50 am
are you going to bed now?
Jordan 11:50 am
it's just i don't let people in because i get attached to someone and then they leave and it's just me and my feelings it's always been easier to cover them up with a joke and a laugh
but yea i gotta get up at 5
Me 11:51 am
i'm not leaving any time soon
so start with me
but you need to sleep
so i'll talk to you later jordan
Jordan 11:51 am
ok
Me 11:51 am
we love you so much
more than you know
keep being a badass marine
Jordan 11:51 am
i love y'all too more than i show
Me 11:51 am
hahahahah
Jordan 11:52 am
i will, don't tell anyone i gotta heart
Me 11:52 am
kk
deal
Jordan 11:52 am
ok thank you
bye
Me 11:52 am
gnight

He's just a boy. He's only 20. He has so much growing up to do. It kills me... Just absolutely kills me that he's so dependent on his girlfriend. I like her as a person but not as what controls his life. I'll keep you guys updated.

Sleep texting?!?!

Here's what I've decided to do. I'm gonna keep the blog, change the name, and keep writing. Because it helps me, a lot. =)

I've texted in my sleep before, as well as IMed. But Christmas Eve was different. The last time I remember seeing on my clock was 10:50. When I woke up Christmas day, I scrolled through my inbox and saw that I'd received two texts at midnight. The first was a Facebook notification, the other a text from Corey. Both had been opened and read. I had no idea what they said, so I opened them both and saw that Corey had simply told me that he was home and going to bed soon (we're still on good terms although we broke up a month ago). Puzzled, I went to my sent messages. In the folder was a response, basically saying that I loved him and hoped that he'd sleep well, and that we'd talk tomorrow. I have absolutely no recollection of either reading these texts and sending a response. Later Christmas day, I was looking through my recent calls just to see that at exactly midnight, I had attempted to call some 7-digit number. Thankfully, it wasn't a legitimate number and didn't go through. I don't remember doing any of this!

I've IMed in my sleep before. One time, I had been signed on to AIM with multiple chat windows up and my browser contained 5 or 6 tabs of sites. I was also listening to music. When I passed out, my monitor was crazy cluttered. When I woke up, everything was neatly minimized, bookmarked, and exited. I do not remember doing this, either! I had also IMed my bud from school at 1:30 AM, although thankfully he had been asleep.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is a serious problem. Should I go to a sleep doctor or something? My dad says it's just a lack of sleep. I'm not sure about that. I've had these random occurrences for nearly two months now. Well, I guess it could be sleep deprivation. I've been working nonstop and just got out for the semester, so sleep has been scarce recently. But why would that become a problem now? I don't understand!

And I have trouble falling asleep already. It's not like I can go to bed earlier... I'll just toss and turn until the normal time that I sleep.