Piling Up Like the Laundry on My Floor

I had a breakdown last night. It seems like everything needs to be done and dealt with right now but I don't have the time or patience to do it all. I feel like I'm being tested by life. I have to write my challenge essay for the C-STEP program application which is due April 1st, which is the same day that I can sign up for summer and fall classes, which will determine my availability to work this summer and fall in addition to my availability for tutoring for psychology at the Skills Lab. I don't have time to devote to a social life at all. I was invited to a party tonight but I work until closing and I don't think I could make it there in time for it to be worth the drive. I'll be really tired by then too since it's a 7-hour shift. I'm waiting for my bud to call me with some details about the when and where and who of the party. I'd have to stay the night somewhere, too, although that shouldn't be too big of a problem. I can't even drive after 9 PM, yet! Well, I can, but only if it's to home or to work.

I got home from work last night around 11 and called my boyfriend to relax. I was already in a foul mood from not being able to find someone to cover my shift for tonight, and when he began talking about some issues I snapped at him. He said his middle sister had called the younger sister saying for her and the rest of the family not to contact her for 2 weeks or until she contacted them. Corey then went into this spiel about how if his sister and her husband are getting a divorce then because of the Nevada laws she would have to stay in the state because no one gets full custody, and I snapped at him because I thought it was stupid to automatically assume that because she said not to contact her for 2 weeks, she was getting a divorce. I stopped bitching for a minute and he took the opportunity to snap at me and to tell me to chill out. He asked why I was jumping down his throat because he had mentioned the divorce thing, and I realized how mean I was being and started crying. I think it was the stress from signing up to be a tutor, the fall and summer classes schedule, the requirement to take 5 classes, my job, not having a social life or being able to go out when I get invited to a rare party, and the fact that Corey's computer had gotten a virus and now we couldn't video that made me breakdown. It's just so much to handle for me right now, and additionally having to consider how he's moving here in 3 months and how much our relationship will be changed by that. But I just cried and cried for almost a half hour, telling him how stressed out I was and apologizing for being a bitch. Also, I accidentally backed into my dad's car about a week ago and now have to pay him for the damages plus I have to pay for a plane ticket for April 8th and April 12th, and I have to pay for my car insurance, so financially I'm stretched. I barely have anything in my bank account now as it is. I'm really having a hard time keeping my chin up when there's so much for me to take care of and I've lost my support system besides Marena and Corey (Marena is my best friend, by the way). I really need a break. I won't even get this summer off because like I said, I have to take classes. That way I'll qualify for the C-STEP program for graduation in summer 2010. Then it's off to UNC for 2 years, then med school for 4 years, then my residency. Maybe I'll get a break when I'm 30.

It's 12:05 AM....

And I am tired!

Corey and I looked at apartments while he was down in North Carolina. We found some near the UNC campus that we really like. The pet fee is ridiculous, though. We might have to hold off on getting our dogs. I should be doing my statistics homework right now but I'm not feeling the math currently. Corey and I had a "talk" the other night. Well, it was more like our first real argument. The strain of school and work is really getting to us both, and we take it out on each other, too. It ended well and we emerged stronger, which is good. We're back on track. I'm up here in Ohio right now. He's working a night shift so he can spend the days with me and work while I sleep so he can get a decent number of hours in without compromising our time together. He gets off at 7:00 AM. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home, but he can climb into bed with me when he gets here.

I think my new birth control is affecting me in a weird way. I have a mucho diminished appetite; I can only eat when I'm hungry. And here's the crazy thing: I will actually REFUSE food now. WHAT!?!! Since when have I ever refused food? I don't know. But I've lost 4 lbs, which makes me feel good about myself. Not that I need to lose weight in any way but maybe shrink my belly a bit by not always being stuffed with food. I feel good, but also I think it's affecting my libido. On Ortho Tricyclen, as the hormone dosage increased, I had a higher and higher libido. With Yasmin, the dosage is the same throughout the entire month (something I'm not used to.) One of the points Corey brought up in our argument was that our intimacy rate has dropped substantially in comparison to our usual rate. Once I actually thought about it I realized that he was totally right. I hadn't even realized it, but instead of maybe 14 times a week (I know that's a lot but we're young and not together all the time,) we're averaging 5 times per visit. That's nothing. That's straight pathetic, honestly. So he and I will work on that. If we determine it was just us and our schedules and stress levels then I'll rule out the new birth control as being the culprit. I don't want to give these new pills up; they're spectacular.

Time for bed.

Day After Valentine's Day Post

I’m writing a paper on polygamy for my English 112 class at ACC. Well, actually I’m not writing my paper because I’m sitting here typing this instead, but it’s due on Wednesday so I have time. Corey is at work now until 7:30, but I work at 7:00 so it’s awful timing. I’m so ready to be with him again... it’s only been a week and a half since he was last here but I feel like it’s taken forever. One week and 6 more days until he’s here, and then I’ll go back with him to Ohio for a week over my spring break. No beach parties for me. I’d rather spend it up in cold, nasty Ohio with my boy. He needs a break. He has either school or work every day of the week. He won’t even get a break on the day he drives down here, either; he has a test that morning. So his first day off will be the first of March. That’s brutal. I mean, I work a part time job and try to maintain my GPA, but that’s nothing compared to saving lives while trying to pass a class as hard as his. He’s incredible. He’s so giving and selfless it makes me sick sometimes. Sure, he has his slip-ups, but he’s such a pure person on the inside that it’s hard to stay mad for long. I think that if our situations were to switch and I were choosing whether to move to Ohio or not, I wouldn’t, just because I am not that confident in myself to throw away my family and friends here for a life in Ohio. But maybe I would. I don’t know. He and I are very different people. Maybe the sunny weather here is a little more of an incentive to move, though. Tomorrow will be his and my 15-month anniversary. We stopped caring as much about our month anniversaries once we hit the 1-year mark. I like it better this way because it doesn’t seem as juvenile, like, “oh! Another month! Congrats!” you know? I should probably work on my paper now. Luckily this is my final required English class for an Associate Degree. My last semester of easy A’s!

Valentine's Day Post

It’s Valentine’s Day, and he and I are 500 miles away.

Actually, it’s 500.3 miles away, with him in Akron, OH and I in Graham, NC, and us being 500 miles away from each other is no change from the usual. Corey and I are in a long distance relationship. We met through Facebook, the popular college kid social networking site, and we didn’t hit it off at all. It was summer 2007, and I was too caught up in my own sophomore-in-highschool drama that I brushed his random “Hey, what’s up?” Facebook message out of my mind. He and my best friend had met on a cruise in January and had become friends after (this is how he found me on Facebook.) However, I ignored the message as the same best friend called to tell me the latest news between her and her boyfriend. I had a boyfriend at the time, too, a 6’2” blond basketball player. Although the relationship was shallow and all we did was go to movies without watching the film, I was content. However, Corey was relentless. He messaged me again through Facebook, saying something like “Hey, how are you?” This time I decided to reply and told him I was fine, and how was he? We continued talking for a couple months, and I started to like this college dropout from Akron, OH. My basketball player boyfriend and I decided to break up in September, and Corey and I began talking to each other every night, realizing how much we did and did not have in common with each other. He was an ex-baseball player that had a tattoo and a cocky, exaggerative attitude, and I was a skanky highschool kid with dyed hair and a great body. We were perfect for each other. I admit that we did mess around a little in October over an Instant Messenger. Toward the end of October, he asked if he could fly down from Ohio to meet me. I said no. This 18-year-old guy from another state wanted to meet me? Uhm, no thanks, kid. That required too much commitment and too little safety. But I had spoken with my mom about how I’d been talking to this kid over Facebook, and a week or so later she suggested that he come down to visit. I was shocked, but intrigued. Maybe for the weekend, I thought. So I told Corey that yes he could come, and he made arrangements for a flight 2 weeks later. He arrived in the Raleigh/Durham airport on November 15. I waited nervously with 3 of my siblings in the airport lobby. What if he wasn’t as attractive in real life as he was online? I’d be stuck with a loser for the weekend. Additionally, I didn’t tell my best friend that he was coming to see me. Corey and I had decided not to tell anyone in case things didn’t work out. It would be easier that way for both of us. I held my sister’s hand as I waited for the screen to announce that his plane had arrived. When it did, my palms started to sweat. What the hell was I doing? But since I couldn’t back out, I waited for him to come down the escalator, worried that I wouldn’t recognize him. I did. He grinned as he waited for the woman in front of him to get out of the way and then walked toward me. I grinned, too, because he was grinning, and we embraced and kissed for the first time in real life. The next day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We’ve been dating ever since.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day.

I miss him. He and I are both working today, but maybe we’ll get some time to webcam later tonight when I get off my shift. He and I have both realized how hard it is to maintain a job, succeed in school, and tend to a long-distance relationship at the same time. He’s planning to move here in August and get a job with the Durham fire department or Durham EMS. Since he’ll be certified as a paramedic in June, he’ll already have a lot of the training required for his future career. I sent him a letter two days ago, and I hope he gets it today. It’s a Valentine’s Day card. He had asked for no gift, even though he had given me a diamond and white gold heart necklace. He’s changed a lot from when we met. We both have. We’ve talked about future kids, a future home, living together, having our own dogs, all these plans we have for each other once he’s here in North Carolina, but none of it has seemed real to me until recently. I guess because it is so close to happening. I’m 17, and he’s 19. I know it sounds young and stupid but maybe it’s better that way than not having made plans by now.