This occured in either June or July of 2008.

I felt my sympathetic nervous system spring to action as I read the message he’d sent to his friend.

“Don’t say anything to Jorden if she asks.... If she does ask then say I’m out with Matt, ok?”

“Kk Corey but I don’t really know if you should be going out with other girls when she’s a week away from being there with you. I mean idk. Whatever makes you happy I guess!”

“It’ll be fine. I went out to dinner with Nicole on Tuesday and it went great. We saw a movie too.”

“Oh well that’s cool. Lemme know if you wanna talk, kk? I worry about you.”

“Sure! Thanks!”

“No problem. <3”

I seethed. My heart beat fast as I exited the browser he had left logged in on my phone. How could he do this? The little bastard. I started to sweat down my back, but tried to relax and think logically about what to do. I decided to call Marena and ask. I had had a feeling that something was going on; he had behaved different, wasn’t as openly affectionate, and didn’t like to talk as much at nights. A girl’s intuition is almost always right about a guy. He had been acting just like Levi, my abusive ex-boyfriend who cheated on me twice. I was too naïve back then to really understand what he was doing, so when I confronted him and he yelled at me I let it go. Not this time. Marena didn’t answer her phone, so I left her a message and hung up. Now what? I was shaking. I looked up from his bed to the Post-It notes I’d left on his TV cabinet, spelling out “I love you, Corey!” There was one letter per note. The Os were hearts. I wanted to tear them down but I restrained myself.

What do I do? What should I do? I can’t believe him!

So I waited. He was either at work or school, I don’t remember, so I had a couple hours to think about what to say to him. His parents would be home in an hour. I needed to figure out a plan before then. I could just straight-up confront him, I thought. Or pretend nothing had happened, and then dump the douche bag at the end of our visit. Many options went through my head while my heart pounded and sweat ran down my back. I began to feel nauseous and went to the bathroom. While in there the nausea subsided, and I looked up at my wet face in the mirror. I didn’t look too great.

That’s when the self-doubt let itself in, without even knocking beforehand. If he was with another girl, this Nicole whore, then maybe she’s prettier than I am, or maybe she’s hotter. I’m 5’6”, 130lbs, I wear size 7 jeans and a 34D bra. If I had longer legs I would define a Barbie. I’ve got a nice face, too. So for a girl to be hotter or better looking than me and with my boyfriend... Well, honestly he would have to be paying her because attractive as he is, there’s always a more-attractive person in the relationship. I started picturing what she could possibly look like. I automatically assumed dark brown hair. He’d always been into that. I’m a blue-eyed dirty-blonde with a sprinkling of freckles. I imagined her to be tan, wavy-gorgeous brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a cute, up-turned nose, all things that I find attractive. She also had a body like mine, only she had longer legs, another thing I crave. I wondered what was wrong with me. I was funny, right? And I like to be in your face, but I know when to stop. And yeah, Corey and I were going through a rough patch... But it was due to stress! Some background information:

Two weeks before I left for Ohio, my dog contracted Parvovirus. It’s usually fatal, and he was only 6 months old, so he didn’t have great chances of surviving. It was a week before we suspected anything, and the day we took him to the vet, my parents announced they were getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. It was a very bad day for me. One week later, the shock of the divorce has subsided and I actually start thinking about how the divorce will impact me and my 5 younger siblings. My dog had to receive fluids to stay hydrated, so twice daily I was injecting him with the IV needle because my mother refused to do it. The dog was doing pretty well by the time I went to Ohio, but since the divorce truth had sunk in, I had a lot to think about. Corey and I had gotten into a few fights during the week of Parvo and divorce. I think he was in contact with Ms. Nicole previously to our fighting, however. Maybe our fights made him reach out to her for comfort while we navigated through the rough patch, I don’t know. I could continue to analyze him but it really comes down to finding the easy, rat-like way out instead of working through things with the person you claim to love.

Maybe it was my thighs. I never liked them. I was always too short to have nice thighs. Maybe my boobs are too big... or maybe I just am too much of a blond with my naturally light eyebrows and eyelashes, while he’s always gone for darker features. I shouldn’t have tried to please him by being something different than what he liked. That’s like offering Tiramisu to someone who wants a Canoli. It’ll do for a while, but come on, nothing compares to good old tried-and-true Canoli. Well, why couldn’t I be his God damn Canoli?

I stopped thinking about Canoli as more tears snuck out of my blue, not brown, eyes. I cried to myself for a while, although my reflection showed no sympathy. The dark brown mascara I had applied earlier slid down my face like dirt down the sidewalk during the rain. I wiped it away with the back of my hand and went into Corey’s room to get my makeup and fix my face before anyone got home. I didn’t like to show my feelings, and I would make sure that his parents wouldn’t know anything had occurred.

I was cool toward him when he got home, giving him a brief peck on the cheek and then not asking about his day. I didn’t care. He could go tell Nicole the Whore about his day. I’m sure she’d enjoy that more than I would.

I began the conversation with no idea what I was going to say, or any plan of attack. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to work things out just throw it all to the wind and give up, or maybe make him suffer for the next 5 days that I’d be in Ohio. I started by asking:

“Is everything okay with us?”

He looked up. He was changing out of his clothes and into pajamas. I checked him out, this 18-year-old boy who said he loved me more than anything else in the world. I had no desire for him. Usually seeing him change would make me want to slip out of my clothes as well, but not this time.

“Yeah, why? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” He inquired.

I considered telling him outright what had made me almost retch with hatred and anxiety.

“Well, no. I’m not fine. Are you seeing someone else?” I said after a pause, trying to will myself to say what was wrong. I had had so much anger earlier... where had that gone? Why was I now nervous? Was it because I was having flashbacks of Levi, and I felt as if Corey would strike me, too?

“No, baby! You KNOW I would never do that to you! What makes you think that?”

I clenched my teeth to keep my jaw from dropping. He had just lied to me. Out-right. And I knew it! I had proof! I decided to see if he would fess up on his own.

“I don’t know, I feel as if we haven’t been a very good couple lately, and I wonder if it’s because you’re interested in someone else. I mean, are you seeing another girl? I feel as if there’s another girl I should be wary of, or that you’re lying to me, or something.”

“Sweetie, you know I would never do that. I LOVE you. I NEED you. There’s no other girl to worry about, honey! You are the only girl for me.”

So he wasn’t planning on admitting it. The conversation continued on in this fashion until finally I couldn’t take any more lies.

“Corey, stop fucking lying to me! I KNOW you went out with some girl on Tuesday, I KNOW you had dinner and saw a movie with her! And I KNOW you went out with her again Friday night when you were a FUCKING HOUR AND A HALF LATE GETTING HOME! I fucking READ your messages and I know you’re lying to me. You are fucking lying to me, Corey! What the FUCK?!? What the fuck, Corey?”

The rest of the conversation doesn’t matter. It was never resolved. We ended up going to sleep after he fell to his knees and asked to be forgiven, tears falling down his face like they had done on mine hours previous. I had no pity. I knew he felt horrible. I made sure he did. He fell asleep before I did, as usual, and I stayed up thinking about what I wanted. I had humiliated him. I was terrific at making people feel horrible. I had torn him up without a thought to his confidence. I smiled at the satisfaction of bringing him to tears, but it was a hollow satisfaction. Where do I go from here? We somehow made it through the week. I later ended up meeting this Nicole. She was tan and dark haired, like I had imagined, but she had a belly and cellulite thighs. Her teeth were pretty fucked up, too. This is the best he can get, I remember thinking. I had never been more in love with myself than I was at that moment. Corey and I worked it out, like always, and we’re still going strong today. I later also learned that he had never done anything with her (something that definitely factored in to me forgiving, but never forgetting.)

I yawn like a lion!

Today Corey and I took his dog on a hike. It was exhausting. I was trying to show off for him by bounding from rock to rock and hopping over mud pits like it was nothing. Now I'm sore as something very inappropriate. He scheduled a night shift, midnight to 8am. He'll crawl into bed with me when he gets home... although I woke up at 7AM! this morning and fidgeted for 2 hours before finding some breakfast. I'm up here in Ohio until Sunday because I have a week off between spring and summer semesters. I got As in all my classes! Even biology. That's impressive for me. I should prolly get in touch with the C-STEP guy at ACC but I'm so lazy that it probably won't happen until like July.

Corey and I are spectacular! STELLAR! Is that how you spell it? Steller... Stellar... Yeah it's an A.

I'm going to start doing video diaries of us whenever we're together. One video per day. Yes, I'll put them on YouTube. My username is jjexohexoh on there. But don't check me out yet because I haven't posted anything yet. I think I'll save up for a Flip camcorder. I don't know. I have like maybe 15$$ in the bank right now, it's so bad. I'm poor as shiitaki mushrooms. How do you spell shiitaki? Am I spelling it right?

I just ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese. The entire box. Corey didn't even eat a single bite. That's like 250% of what I should have eaten, or like 2.5 times the serving suggestion. I am so stuffed. I'm stuffed like the pig my uncle grilled in his backyard for our white trash Thanksgiving. Haha! You thought I was gonna say Easter! Or something that's not Thanksgiving! Well see in Southernboro, Hicktown, we eat pigs, not turkeys. Turkeys are too healthy! Gross! We need some greasy pig! Mmm mmm good!

I don't eat pig, actually.

I eat bacon, though, but I also like turkey bacon, so PETA, before you hunt me down, at least I'm choosing the healthier, uglier alternative. Because pigs are cute. I have never seen a cute turkey. Not even the one Sarah Palin had in her retarded news video. I almost spelled Satan right there. Woah!

Food-induced coma time.