Whatta Crazy Weekend

I was in a car accident Friday night. I was driving to work in the pouring rain, and I'd been going fairly slowly compared to how I usually drive. The car started to hydroplane, and I wiggled the wheel, thinking it would stop like it always does, but this time it didn't. I kept rolling off to the side. I saw I was going to be in the grass, and had a brief thought that maybe once I was there I would have some traction. I turned the wheel slightly, ready to curve back onto the road, but the ground was so saturated with water that there was zero traction. Looking up, I saw that I was aimed at a barbed wire fence, a telephone pole, two wooden posts and a road sign. I hit them all, curling up in my seat and covering my head. I didn't say anything... I just thought about how I was going to die or be paralyzed or seriously injured. The car came to a stop right in front of another wooden post of the barbed wire fence. I looked up and then dashed out of the car, pushing against the barbed wire, ripping my clothes and cutting into my side. I just wanted to get away from the mangled metal and shattered wood. I ran and then turned and stood in the pouring rain, just staring at the wreckage. A car pulled up and the person got out, checking to see if I was kk. He stood with me until my mom came to get me.

It's Sunday now. My back and neck are killing me. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. My lymph nodes are incredibly swollen, too. My tonsils are the largest I've ever seen them... When I swallow, some of the food gets rejected because of the soreness and how swollen my throat is. The back of my head and my neck are so incredibly stiff. I think I may have a double ear infection, too... My sense of balance has gone to shit.

Interesting weekend. Welcome to being 18.

Not.

I finally took down all the remaining post-it notes and photos of him. I started to cry when the photos were off the wall. I couldn't stop staring at his face and thinking about everything I'd be missing out on... And how finding someone like him is going to be impossible... Improbable... I don't know what word I want to use. It seems like every time I have the pre-period emotional mess, I want to text him and tell him I still love him and just get confirmation that he still loves me. But I can't do that, ya know? I can't think about him in that way for the next two years. But seeing all the photos of us together... Of him holding his nephews, of us holding each other, of his parents and just of him smiling... It kills me.

I took it all down... Saved a few pictures and put the post-its into my hiding place. No more of this.

I have been eating a lot recently. Not gaining weight, but definitely eating a lot more than usual. I should cut that out. I have no restraint when it comes to food. I wish I did. Sometimes after a big meal I want to go throw up like how I used to. I wasn't happy then, but I felt better about myself. Now I just tell myself to not do it, and that there are other ways to not feel as bloated. But the temptation is still there. I wrote a horrible, messed up poem thing about wanting to be anorexic. It's mainly saying how I wish I were hungry... That I hunger to be hungry... It's a giant, continuous play on different ways of expressing a desire to eat or describing how hungry you are. A desire for anorexia.. How messed up is that?

I need to respect my body more. Fast-food is like nutritional smoking. If I wouldn't let myself smoke, why do I let myself eat gross and unhealthy food? It's silly. Come on now, Jj. You're better than this. Lose the God-damned weight, you fat ass.