Not.

I finally took down all the remaining post-it notes and photos of him. I started to cry when the photos were off the wall. I couldn't stop staring at his face and thinking about everything I'd be missing out on... And how finding someone like him is going to be impossible... Improbable... I don't know what word I want to use. It seems like every time I have the pre-period emotional mess, I want to text him and tell him I still love him and just get confirmation that he still loves me. But I can't do that, ya know? I can't think about him in that way for the next two years. But seeing all the photos of us together... Of him holding his nephews, of us holding each other, of his parents and just of him smiling... It kills me.

I took it all down... Saved a few pictures and put the post-its into my hiding place. No more of this.

I have been eating a lot recently. Not gaining weight, but definitely eating a lot more than usual. I should cut that out. I have no restraint when it comes to food. I wish I did. Sometimes after a big meal I want to go throw up like how I used to. I wasn't happy then, but I felt better about myself. Now I just tell myself to not do it, and that there are other ways to not feel as bloated. But the temptation is still there. I wrote a horrible, messed up poem thing about wanting to be anorexic. It's mainly saying how I wish I were hungry... That I hunger to be hungry... It's a giant, continuous play on different ways of expressing a desire to eat or describing how hungry you are. A desire for anorexia.. How messed up is that?

I need to respect my body more. Fast-food is like nutritional smoking. If I wouldn't let myself smoke, why do I let myself eat gross and unhealthy food? It's silly. Come on now, Jj. You're better than this. Lose the God-damned weight, you fat ass.