Conceptualization

Have you ever thought about how we are born of the Earth, and the Earth is a planet born of the destruction of other planets and stars? And what if we are stars in and of ourselves? And we're made of compounds... molecules... strings of elements... and those elements are made of atoms? But atoms are protons and electrons and neutrons. What if there is a whole other category of classification so much bigger than what any of us can fathom... a whole other level of breakdown of the classification of life that we just cannot contemplate? And that is just another secret of the universe? It's just so big to consider! Like a whole other system to the universe... maybe we need to stop thinking about the small things that are tangible (atoms, protons, chemical properties of elements) and transverse to things they don't teach in books... concepts not even considered yet. But the mind can't handle that! Alternate realities are hard enough to grasp. The mind is so limited in its understanding. It's built upon distinct, discernible facts, stored via chemical pathways in our neurons... but all of this is appreciable, observable. How can you contemplate something that transcends that?

Apologies and Symphonies

Well, hi, you. How are you? Doing well? Yeah, I'm doing all right. Let's update you, shall we?

I'm going to make an outline of the things I want to talk about. I need to put down all these crazy thoughts!

1. Darin
2. Mom's boyfriend
3. Life --- school, work, etc
3.5. This blog
4. Jon

1. Darin
I broke up with Darin March 29th. I was going to do it in person but it was getting late before he could come over so I decided to save him the gas and time and just call. He took it well. He was very pragmatic about the whole situation, stating that if I were older he would attempt to convince me to stay in the relationship, but he understood that "a long-distance relationship on someone as young as" (that's the reason I gave btw) was inconsiderate and selfish of him. Well... okay, that's cool. Whatever way you want to take it.

So everything is fine and dandy, until stuff with Jon starts to happen (I'll explain that in section 4, promise!), so I IM Darin to let him know, "hey, I'm going to date Jon now, just so ya know," thinking this would be polite of me. He responds with this catty, disrespectful retort of how Jon doesn't deserve me, but as Darin says this, he also says he's happy for me and only wants the best (apparently "the best" does not include Jon in his book). He also posts this on my Facebook wall:

"Hey Jorden, I'm sorry if you were offended earlier, I'm honest like that though and I think you're an awesome girl, deserving of the best. Regardless of what I say, I'm happy for you. Take care."

I do not take this well, and decide that Darin and I are done talking for a while. He later deleted me, then re-added me. I sent him a message asking when he had removed me as a friend, and he replied with this:

"Hey Jorden, I deleted you because seeing you online reminded me of us and it was hard. Training here is no joke and I realize that my career choice was a big part of why we ended. Seeing the nice girl I left back in NC made me sad and want to talk to you. Knowing that wouldn't do any good, I deleted you off here to clear my head. Training is still a bitch but things are good. Hows life on your end?"

I didn't respond. He truly nauseates me now.

2. Mom's boyfriend
Mom has a new boyfriend, named Jim. He's cool. Yeah I don't have anything else to say.

3. Life
I'm on summer break now. Summer school starts on Tuesday, TTH 1230-330. I'm only taking Spanish 3. I'm currently looking for a new job, most likely waittressing because it's easy money and I can maintain that kind of job through UNC. I can go to the gym up to 6 days a week if I want, so that's refreshing. I'm really just excited to have time to do things now.

3.5 This blog
Well, here's what's up:

I actually started another blog. I'm not gonna tell you what it's called, or what account it's under, because I may abandon it. I wanted to start a new one because it's bothered me for a while and I wanted, as I put it in the blog, a "fresh start." But the need to give all the background information was too overwhelming, so I came back to this one. I'll be changing the name again, too.

4. Jon
=)



All right... So this is Jon... He's pretty cool...

Jon and I met in the Spring semester of 2009. We had statistics together at 9 am MWF. At first, he was just the kid in the white hat that stared at me from the left side of the room. We made eye contact every now and then, and one day he approached me. We talked about math (because we didn't know if we had anything else in common yet), and left it at that. The next time we walked together to our next classes, we found out we were both homeschooled, and as I said bye to walk to biology, I noticed one of his blue eyes was 1/4 brown. It caught my attention for sure (I know this sounds super cheesy... just chill, okay?). He walked me down the halls almost every day we had class together, and we developed something of a friendship. We became Facebook friends, texted, IMed, even webcammed some of the time.

Then he got a job offer in Miami with a banner towing business. He dropped all classes and moved mid-semester. While he lived in Miami, we continued to text and IM. We were still friends, and had created a really good friendship. I'm not gonna lie and say we didn't flirt, either. But I was with Corey, so I knew it wouldn't be going anywhere.

One day, after repeatedly having told Jon I didn't want to be as flirtatious as we had been, Jon and I got into an argument and stopped talking altogether. Our communication had been off and on anyway, but this instance was the last straw, and it was called completely off. We didn't talk for a few months.

Hello Fall semester. A little ways through the semester, I was walking down the stairs to the second floor of the main building when I saw, guess who, Jon! He was walking past to a different building. We made brief eye-contact but didn't say anything to each other. That night, either he or I IMed the other, and Jon and I slowly became friends again. I won't go into details, but the job in Miami had ended and he was back in school to get his degree. Jon and I started spending a lot of time together. We were with each other in the library constantly, we hung out whenever we both had free time at school, I went over to his house, met his parents and siblings and nieces and nephews... It was great. Jon and I were practically best friends.

My and Corey's relationship began to go downhill. Neither of us had much time to devote to each other. We snapped, we vented, we took stress out on each other in the worst ways. I turned to Jon for support, opening up to him about the difficulties in the relationship. He was incredibly helpful, and I loved having him to talk to.

Corey and I broke up in November. Almost immediately, my and Jon's friendship changed. The attraction and chemistry between us was nearly palpable... His hugs gave me butterflies now, and our first kiss happened shortly thereafter.

I'm not going to go into great detail. I want to hurry up and finish this post so I can write another... I just want these in chronological order!

Jon and I became pretty involved. However, the guilt I felt over what had happened between Corey and myself, and the conflicting emotional pain over being with Jon but not over Corey took its toll on me. I told Jon we needed to stop seeing each other in early December.

I played the singleness for a couple months, and then started dating Darin. I don't want to talk about Darin.

Jon and I stopped being friends for a while. Neither of us wanted to approach the other, and we lived totally separate lives. The only interaction we had was at school. As the school year progressed we started texting and IMing occasionally, and he invited me over one night. We sat on his bed and talked, and then started to kiss. It started getting heated, and I pulled back and asked him how he thought we could jump right back into something like this after not being friends for so long. He and I then both told each other everything that had happened emotionally to us since we started talking. We told each other our feelings toward each other, and both described, from our own points of view, everything that had gone through our minds since we met.

I ended up crying on his bed with him holding me. I told him I was scared I had ruined all chances I had with him because I'd hurt him. I then wiped my face and said I needed to leave.

Jon and I didn't talk for a few weeks. Then, one Friday, I had to stay behind in Chemistry because I had a question. Rather than immediately answering my question, the teacher set up the next class's exam before answering me. Jon happened to have Chemistry immediately after me, so this was his exam. I waited at the head of the classroom while the teacher walked around, handing out exams. I glanced over at Jon and caught him staring at me. I stuck out my tongue, and he smiled and looked down toward his exam.

That afternoon he texted me, saying he'd been thinking of me all day. I asked why, and he said that ever since I'd stuck out my tongue he hadn't been able to get me out of his mind. He suggested we hang out soon, and I agreed.

I came over to his house the next day. We watched a documentary and when it was over he and I started talking, and that led to kissing. I left his house late that night. The next day he invited me over again, and the same thing happened. On Monday I texted him and told him I wanted to know where we currently stood, because I didn't like the insecurity and instability in what we had been doing over the weekend. He told me to come over that night so we could have a meeting.

That evening he asked me what were the pros and cons of us dating. I was shocked. Dating hadn't even crossed my mind, and he hadn't had a "true" girlfriend in two years. I listened to him and me talk myself into it. I didn't think we should jump into a relationship, but I was willing to try and make it work.

The relationship is going beautifully. We're incredibly close, and I consider him one of my "good" (although not quite "best") friends. =) Yay! We've been dating for nearly a month now.

Do I sound crazy?

Excuse the poor capitalization and such... Just rambling right now... I need to make this into something beautiful.

it's the kind of paradox where you don't even know how to begin. there's so much information with so little importance. guilt, fear, understanding... all plagues of regret. and although you'd give anything to go back, and fix that problem that now is in your face, you have to realize that the glass box isn't ready to be broken, and you are a mime to another person's world. the best thing you can do is be expressive, interpretive, and present.

In their raw forms, all beautiful things that are man-made begin ugly.

Do I sound crazy?

Powerless

See this picture? Pretend those silly people aren't standing there, and it's actually you, or me, or your loved one(s), whatever, doesn't matter. We'll use me as the example since it'll be easier to understand.

I am stationary as cars fly by. My speed to theirs is an impossible ratio. 50 MPH, 60 MPH, 70, 80, 90; it doesn't matter. The speedometer could break and it wouldn't make a difference. The tide of flashing lights is against me, wind whipping by me, a current of punctuality. I try to move, to avoid the mirrors and sides of the yellow taxis and shiny, expensive cars, but they're closing in, scraping my arms and leaving paint on my legs. I am in slow motion, powerless to the oncoming pain.

I brace myself. I can see it, several yards ahead, aimed toward me like I was its future lane of travel. It merges into my side, breaking bones and cracking ribs, eager to make it to the final destination. The means do not matter.

I gasp. The pain is unreal, yet slowly increasing. Everything is in slow motion, except for when the car hits. A slow approach, a fast, painful impact, and a tedious seeping of pain throughout my body.

Looking up, more yellow cars are on their way. I am an obstacle, but not a permanent one. Not metal; closer to glass is how I shatter.

The cars bear toward me. One clips my foot, another my opposite side, and finally a direct hit to the left side of my body. It spins me away, collapsing, onto the street. I am the connection between two lanes of travel now. It's only a matter of time until the severance is delivered.



The slothful approach of yellow destruction; the black rubber casually nearing my body. The gradual cringe searches the outskirts of my body, bringing everything in for protection.

And then the end. A fast, devastating end to a terrifying nightmare. The spinal damage creates no pain, and as I slip away, the cars move on. No looking back, no regrets, no thoughts.

Short Chapter!

I've decided I want to break up with Darin. Here's what happened:

He was being super possessive at this party on Saturday... Like, I left the basement to go get a sandwich out of my car and I told him I was going outside to eat and he said, "Kk, that's cool." But then one of my guy friends went outside with me to get something out of his truck, and Darin comes up from the basement after a few minutes and was looking out the window and out the door, looking around for me, then comes out and walks over to my car and asks me what I'm doing(this is a minute after he texted me saying "What are you doing?"). He walks up and asks that same question, and I say "Uhh just eating my sandwich," so he starts talking to my guy friend, Will, the guy who walked outside with me. Then Darin goes back inside and I walk up to the porch and sit on the swing with my buddy Jon and his friend Noah. Will walks up and they started talking about how Darin had been acting funny and searching around for me. Kind of strange and obsessive behavior.

So fast forward one hour, I've got the munchies, so I ask Will if he'll drive over to Harris Teeter to buy food. He says yeah, so I tell Darin "Hey I'm gonna go get food with Will, be back in a bit," (btw, Will and I go to school together so we know each other pretty well. We leave to get food and a few minutes later Darin texts me and asks me where I am. I told him that we went to Burger King because Will wanted that food instead of Harris Teeter, and so we were then sitting in the parking lot eating. Darin then calls and says "Where are you? What are you doing?" and I told him the same thing again. Darin then responds with "Kk, well come back soon," and I say yeah sure and hang up. Then when I get back he texts me:

"Where are you?"

"Upstairs."

"Why don't you come downstairs?"

"I'm hanging with Jon, Will, and Noah."

"So come down here."

"I'm hanging with them..."

"So you can't come down here"

I didn't respond to him because he was pissing me off, but eventually we all went downstairs. Darin started being really obnoxious... Like... Smacking my ass and saying really crude things... which was weird because it was a chill party, not a crazy one, ya know? He was being really belligerent and loud and sexually inappropriate for that specific crowd. After 20 minutes he demands to leave (this is around 230) but I had already pledged to a game of beer pong so I said "No, lemme finish this game," and he says "I fucking hate beer pong," and walks off. I'm just like kk whatever dude... So I finish the game and he comes back and says "Let's go." I say sure bud, and we left. As I followed him back to his place I considered calling Marena but my phone had died and it was 3 AM. I was so mad at how dismissive he was being that I pretended to pass out when we got there so I wouldn't have to be affectionate with him.

I woke up Sunday morning around 12, we got breakfast, wasted time, and then I decided to show him this funny website, and it ended up sparking a conversation about chatroulette. We went onto chatroulette and I started talking to some dude. Darin looked a little bored, so I asked him if he wanted me to get off, and he said "No, it's fine." So ya know, whatever, that process repeats for about 6 minute... I asked him 3 times if he wanted me to get off and he continually said no. He got up after a couple more minutes and said "I'm gonna read," so he grabbed a book and then sat back down in the room. I asked him again, 2 more times, if he wanted me to get off and he said "No, it's cool baby," so I didn't. Then he slammed his book, stood up, and said "This is retarded," and stormed out of the room. I got up, walked over to him and said,

"Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing then tell me straight up and stop bullshitting," and he responded with some stupid excuse so I said, "No, that's not a reason, you need to be honest with me when something bothers you or else I won't know."

And that's the end... We had a little fight but that's not important.

I'm done with him. The question is when to dump him. Should I do it this weekend... Or maybe in a month when I can blame it on the distance (he leaves for Quantico on Tuesday, the 30th)? I'm thinking just chill for a bit then call it off so that he doesn't flip a shit and get mad because I'm breaking up based on personal reasons... Rather than the situation of the relationship. And honestly I'm not in a hurry to date someone else so I can afford to just chill and let him off easy. However, I most likely will see him tonight because he wants to hang out before he leaves tomorrow. So I could easily do it tonight and be done with it all... And just bullshit him by saying it just hit me that I'm getting back into a long-distance relationship and I really don't want to do that all over again.

A Tattoo and an Epiphany

I just had an epiphany and I have to write this down NOW.

I shouldn't be dating right now. Dating is not beneficial for me. And I'm not over my ex. BUT, what I just realized is this: I'm not over him because I don't need to be over him yet! It's been about four months since Corey and I broke up. That's NOTHING compared to two years! Sometimes I wonder if I'm dating my current guy to fill a void... As if he is a placeholder. I also think I'm just too ready to become an adult. And you can't go back after you grow up, ya know?

I got my first tattoo! It says Deo Juvante, in the andalus font. It's on my right shoulder blade. Beautiful.

Time to Get Legit.

Yeahyeah, haven't written in a while. I think, from here on out, I'll get legit. I'll start running in the mornings. I'll stop drinking. I'll stop all things that would be looked down upon. I'll finally slim down. I'll keep the room clean. Take school seriously.

I hope.

I like how only one person reads this blog. It makes me feel like it's a diary. Plus typing is a lot faster than writing.