A Marine's Attempt, a Boy's Attempt

I woke up this morning to a Facebook chat message from my cousin, Jordan. He's in the Marines and stationed in Okinawa currently. It simply said "Merry Christmas" and to pass the message along to my entire family. I said that I would, and he said that we'd talk later. I laughed, and when he asked why I responded that he was ending the conversation really quickly. We then proceeded to talk about our lives and what's been happening recently. He and his girlfriend/ex-fiance recently broke up for good, and he isn't handling it well. He has put so much dependency into her that for her to break his heart like this... It's awful to see. We talked about that for a bit and then he said that he had something he needed to tell me, but that I couldn't tell anyone else because of how bad it was. I promised not to tell and asked him what was wrong.

He attempted to hang himself, twice. The first time the rope slid off the pole, the second time he couldn't go through with it.

I've never been faced with a close one attempting suicide before. I had no idea what to say. I asked him why he'd attempted, and he said that the girlfriend had hurt him so much that it wasn't worth it for him to continue living for himself or for his family or the Marines. He joined the Marines for her, to give her a better life in the end, but things weren't working out the way he had hoped. Another piece of information: he's 20, and she's 17. They're incredibly young! And that's why it's such a difficult situation; he doesn't realize that there are other reasons for him to live than just a girl back at home.

We switched over the AIM and I tried asking him questions about his situation in Japan: what's it like, what's there to do, friends, etc. Anything to keep his mind off of her.

Me 11:41 am
i'm thinking maybe you could talk to a chaplain
would you be willing to do that?
because i know that i can't be here for you 24/7
Jordan 11:42 am
it probably would be a good idea for me at this point
probably should have yesterday but oh well
Me 11:43 am
i mean either do it for me or stephanie or your family or your neighbor
Me 11:43 am
or just for yourself
Jordan 11:43 am
yea
Me 11:43 am
will you?
Jordan 11:44 am
yea ill get my sergeant to take me tomorrow
Me 11:44 am
do you promise jordan?
please?
Jordan 11:44 am
yes
i promise
Me 11:44 am
thank you
Me 11:45 am
you're inspiration to me
Jordan 11:45 am
i dont want to be the guy who threatens to jump off a building change my mind and slip
thank you
Me 11:45 am
hahah
i don't want you to be that guy either
Jordan 11:46 am
i really mean thank you
i'm telling you it's something about our name
Me 11:46 am
gotta be
hahahh
what time is it where you are right now?
Jordan 11:46 am
1 47 in the morin
Me 11:47 am
holy crap jordan
Jordan 11:47 am
yea
i'm glad i stayed up though
Jordan 11:47 am
my baby cousin helped me out today who would've thunk it
my fingers are stating to riot
Me 11:48 am
i'm here for you no matter what
please don't forget that
we're family
Jordan 11:49 am
i won't i felt like i was drifting away from all of y'all but you helped me out on that one
Me 11:49 am
i know that you act really tough in person but even you need to let people in and let people help you
Jordan 11:49 am
i know
Me 11:50 am
are you going to bed now?
Jordan 11:50 am
it's just i don't let people in because i get attached to someone and then they leave and it's just me and my feelings it's always been easier to cover them up with a joke and a laugh
but yea i gotta get up at 5
Me 11:51 am
i'm not leaving any time soon
so start with me
but you need to sleep
so i'll talk to you later jordan
Jordan 11:51 am
ok
Me 11:51 am
we love you so much
more than you know
keep being a badass marine
Jordan 11:51 am
i love y'all too more than i show
Me 11:51 am
hahahahah
Jordan 11:52 am
i will, don't tell anyone i gotta heart
Me 11:52 am
kk
deal
Jordan 11:52 am
ok thank you
bye
Me 11:52 am
gnight

He's just a boy. He's only 20. He has so much growing up to do. It kills me... Just absolutely kills me that he's so dependent on his girlfriend. I like her as a person but not as what controls his life. I'll keep you guys updated.

Sleep texting?!?!

Here's what I've decided to do. I'm gonna keep the blog, change the name, and keep writing. Because it helps me, a lot. =)

I've texted in my sleep before, as well as IMed. But Christmas Eve was different. The last time I remember seeing on my clock was 10:50. When I woke up Christmas day, I scrolled through my inbox and saw that I'd received two texts at midnight. The first was a Facebook notification, the other a text from Corey. Both had been opened and read. I had no idea what they said, so I opened them both and saw that Corey had simply told me that he was home and going to bed soon (we're still on good terms although we broke up a month ago). Puzzled, I went to my sent messages. In the folder was a response, basically saying that I loved him and hoped that he'd sleep well, and that we'd talk tomorrow. I have absolutely no recollection of either reading these texts and sending a response. Later Christmas day, I was looking through my recent calls just to see that at exactly midnight, I had attempted to call some 7-digit number. Thankfully, it wasn't a legitimate number and didn't go through. I don't remember doing any of this!

I've IMed in my sleep before. One time, I had been signed on to AIM with multiple chat windows up and my browser contained 5 or 6 tabs of sites. I was also listening to music. When I passed out, my monitor was crazy cluttered. When I woke up, everything was neatly minimized, bookmarked, and exited. I do not remember doing this, either! I had also IMed my bud from school at 1:30 AM, although thankfully he had been asleep.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is a serious problem. Should I go to a sleep doctor or something? My dad says it's just a lack of sleep. I'm not sure about that. I've had these random occurrences for nearly two months now. Well, I guess it could be sleep deprivation. I've been working nonstop and just got out for the semester, so sleep has been scarce recently. But why would that become a problem now? I don't understand!

And I have trouble falling asleep already. It's not like I can go to bed earlier... I'll just toss and turn until the normal time that I sleep.

We Were Never Meant for Do or Die

Corey and I have decided to break up. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right. I'm very overwhelmed; the divorce, this relationship ending, school... All of it is hard to deal with at one time.

I don't feel like writing.

Should I rename this blog?

"Already Gone" - Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

I say things I don't mean as you mean things you don't say.

How do you base a two-year relationship on a single interview? How can you condemn a love like this to the outcome of a half hour exchange of words? If you aren't happy then fix the problem yourself; it's not my fucking fault. If there's a way I can help you then God damn it why don't you tell me?

These hot tears stain my face like your words dig in; relentless, overwhelming. I can move on and find someone who will treat me better than this but I don't want to. I want you. But my words are twisted; the emotion straining my vocal chords creates a disconnect between tone and mood.

What I'm saying is not conveying, the meaning, though I'm screaming, on the inside, comes out as lies.

I say things I don't mean as you mean things you don't say.

Our misinterpretations, are only simple representations, of a problem never fixed. How did we end up like this?

And your thoughts, have always crossed, your own mind, but not mine, so when we are introduced, hatred is produced.

Your claims, sound like blames, to me they're new, but old and lingering for you.

OWHEn9ng9askgbiaewr1341vt25

Lo siento. Y sé no hay mucho que puedo decir.

Voy a permanecer despierto toda la noche porque necesito escribir este reporte. Es para mi clase de biología. No estoy recibiendo buenos grados en escuela. Estoy triste.

Corey is in town. I should be working on my laboratory report for tomorrow but I haven't posted in a while. It's October 26th... Almost November! Wow. This year has gone by so quickly. I recently found out that I have to take 6 classes next semester, plus Intermediate Spanish in the summer. Right now I've signed up to take Chemistry 2, Intro to Zoology, Sociology of the Family, Drawing, General Microbiology and The World Since 1945. I'm actually excited to take some of those classes. Drawing will be nice for me. Sociology of the Family, I think, will be my favorite class. I manipulated my other classes around the Since 1945 class because I don't know anything about history and I think I should fix that before I get to UNC and end up showing people how ignorant I am in that regard. Plus dad can always help me when I don't understand a concept. I got a 92 on my chemistry exam this morning! I was so proud. Apparently I also have a 4.0 GPA. =)

He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.

I keep thinking of this line as I become more and more stressed and am tempted by sinful things, such as laziness. Regardless of how stressed or frustrated I become, I know that God is there for me so that I don't have to take the easy way out.

I'm thinking of creating a separate blog to write about my interpretations of biblical verses. I think that would be good for me.

Something Cliche About Teen Angst

I really do not enjoy living with my parents. They don't really seem to understand what I'm going through. Like my grades, for instance. So far, this semester has been really disappointing to me, since I've made 2 C's, 1 B, and 3 A's. That's not a good ratio. I'm really really frustrated with myself, and whenever I report my grades to dad, he asks me if I see an A as something possible. It pisses me off since obviously an A is possible... I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm going to try harder... I may quit Panera. I need to get good grades. I can't have A's up until this point, and then suddenly add a scattering of B's.

Another thing that angers me: my mother's lifestyle. I find her so hypocritical. We're not allowed to curse, and yet whenever she's angry (like at the girls, or Facebook, or because she doesn't understand how to use her phone) she curses and screams and stomps around the house like some sort of African tribal ritual. I don't even care that I can't curse... My problem is that she acts like she can do whatever the hell she wants without consequences. And she's so immature! She SCREAMS and HITS the computer if Facebook isn't working, as if it's her staple of life. And then she gets even more pissed off when I make fun of her. I shouldn't tease but she looks ridiculous. She never used to be like this. Up until I was 15, she never had these crazy random outbursts of anger and uncalled-for bouts of rage. Now she's freaking insane. Is it a midlife crisis? Is she bipolar? I know she took antidepressants. I mean, what the hell is going on?

Dad is okay, but so uninvolved in everything. He knows maybe the surface of my life. He knows I work a lot, I go to school a lot, I don't have many friends. But beyond that? Nothing. The only times I talk to both of my parents are when they're mad at me. Like this afternoon. I borrowed mom's suitcase for my trip to Ohio and never returned it to her closet. She asked me earlier to give it back, and I was in the middle of 3 different tasks so I told her to do it herself. She flipped out and started yelling at me, so I walked off, not wanting to deal with her. Maybe 10 minutes later I put it back neatly in her closet. Then, maybe 6 hours later, she storms into dad's room, yelling about how I'm an ungrateful child and I won't even return her God-damned suitcase. I heard her yelling and came out of my room, saying that I'd already returned it and she should have checked her closet before screaming about how I'm ungrateful. She then screamed at me for not telling her I'd replaced it, then huffed off to her room, so I called her immature. Dad then asked me why I had been disrespectful to her earlier this afternoon. I started to tell him how mom was an entirely different person when he's not around, but mom ran back out of her room and said "Oh yes! Go ahead and tell him this secret of yours!" so I said "No" and she kept annoyingly demanding that I tell him whatever I had been about to tell him, so I finally went back into my room without resolving the argument.

I've become so sick of the arguments I have with my parents. They always have the same format as well. Mom is mad, mom tells dad the problem, dad confronts me, i confront mom, mom complains about how I'm ungrateful, dad asks me why I behaved how I did, I explain my situation, mom interrupts me with more bullshit excuses as to why she was in the right, and I leave because dad doesn't understand that the woman he married 18 years ago is now a psychobitch who lies and tries to get people on her side by bad-mouthing her daughter. It's all bullshit. At least I only have 4 1/2 months left. I'm really hoping Corey will be living here by then. If not then I'll just have to wait until college, whether I'm living with Corey or in a dorm.

I don't even feel as if I live here now. I do so much outside the house that I really only come here to sleep and sometimes eat when I have the time. I wonder if me wanting to keep so busy is really just me subconsciously distancing myself from the household.

I'm reading "Flowers for Algernon" and "Brave New World" in my limited free time. "Algernon" is really good. I read until when he falls in love. I'll read more on Wednesday, since I won't have time tomorrow.

There's a new nerdy kid tutor in the Skills Lab at ACC. He's smart but awkward. You know the type. His clothes are nice, he has a low level of testosterone (looks like he's a tall 10 year old,) once thought the Skills Lab was a "communist regime"... Why did he laugh after he said that? That's not funny. This stupid girl asked me when Skills Lab gets out. I asked what she meant and she said "Aren't you a student?" I said yeah, and I'm also a tutor. She then asked when everyone had to leave the Skills Lab and when class officially let out. I stared at her until I realized she thought Skills Lab was a class. ... Wth?

I'm carrying so much pent up stress and frustration and anger. I just want a break from everything, but that won't happen until October when I go to Ohio.

I need to start working on my Hox genes/evolutionary basis of Hox gene utilization in Cnidarians soon. It's going to be really hard. There's not a ton of information about it. But I'll rock the shit out of it, promise.

Typed a ton tonight. It's 1:47 AM. Time for bed.

=(

I feel so bad every day and I don't know how to make it stop. Should I talk to someone? I just want to break down and cry but where does that get me? No where. But I hate this feeling that I have... I can't shake it hard as I try... I mean, it's occurred every day at least once and I just cannot escape it. Pictures make me cry. I just want it to stop. How am I supposed to continue on in my life with this? I can't move on until I'm over it! So what do I do?!? There's no one that I can talk to who would help me. Not Corey, not Marena... I don't know who to turn to and it's killing me. I just want to feel normal... To not dwell on things like I am now. If I could go back I swear I would... If I could forget it ever happened then I would do anything to forget. But I can't do that! So what are my options? I have none. Coming to terms with this is impossible by myself. I don't know what to do. But I feel so bad.

Quick Update!!!

Kk so I got a round trip flight for Ohio from the 9th to the 14th. Then Corey will be here like 10 days later for about a week or so. Sounds good!

It just occurred to me that I could rejoin my old gym (only one of the three locations this time) and easily work their classes into my schedule. If I did that then my week would look like this:

Sunday:

9:30 am - run
10:30 am - yoga

Possibly work at abercrombie.

Monday:

9:00-1:15 pm - school

Work at abercrombie.

Tuesday:

9:30-4:00pm - school

Work at abercrombie.

Wednesday:

9:00-1:15 pm - school
6:35 pm - run
7:35 pm - kickboxing

Thursday:

9:30-4:00 pm - school
6:30 pm - body sculpt
7:30 pm - yoga

Friday:

9:00-1:15 pm - school

Work at Panera.

Saturday:

Work at abercrombie.

Work at Panera.

Sounds good, yeah? I'll see if I can talk my parents into paying for it... Maybe if I offer for this to be my Christmas and birthday present?

Time for a new post

I can't remember if I capitalize the words of my title or not... It looks weird uncapitalized.

"Time for a new post"

"Time For a New Post"

That looks really official, though. Lemme go check.

Kk so it turns out I do both. I'll just keep it how it is.

I've been in school for a few weeks now. I'm not liking it. I got back from Ohio last night around midnight. I was there for my Labor Day break. We went out to eat, went to Put-In-Bay, and had his birthday party so it was an awesome weekend. I'm way exhausted now but I don't work this afternoon so I'll sleep a bit. Once I'm done writing I'll go check plane ticket prices for October, since I have fall break. I'll go up there on the 9th and we'll either both drive back down on the 13th or I'll get a flight back down. If he drives down then he'll leave on the 18th since he has Greensboro Fire Dept testing on the 26th. That way he can work during the week before and still drive back down again for testing. If he doesn't drive down in order to save gas and money then I'll just get a round trip flight and leave on the 13th, then he'll come down probably on the 25thish.

Wow, that's an awkward word.

And then he'll stay maybe through Halloween. So that annihilates my plans with Kailie and Josh, but it's all good because I'd rather spend it with Corey anyway, ya know?

I don't feel like writing.

Oh Jeez, Not Again....

I'm back in school. NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I am so sick of school! Four classes this semester. Not bad. Chemistry 1, Biology 2, Critical Thinking and Western World Literature. Two labs. =(

Corey left this morning. He didn't get the job he applied for, so now he's enrolling in fire school. It starts on Monday. I was planning to visit him for his birthday party over Labor Day weekend but all the flights we found were either too expensive or didn't have times that I could do. I woke up this morning with the worst feeling of dread I have ever had, thinking that I wouldn't see Corey for 7 weeks (fire school is 6 weeks long.) I went upstairs to wake him so he could start getting ready to leave, and when he woke up he told me that he wanted to stay until Sunday. I was completely happy with that, but when he called his mom to check and see what she thought, she became angry. Then she suggested we check United. KACHING! We got a round trip for 280. Not bad, not bad. So I'll be there over that weekend... then 4 weeks more of his fire school then I'll fly up there for 5 days during my fall break and we'll drive back down so he can stay here for a bit. I'm excited.

I got another new phone. I'm pretty sure insurance was invented for me.

And I got a new backpack!!!!!! I don't know why I'm so excited about it but I am! My old one had holes in the bottom... And the right strap broke at the bottom a long time ago... So I tied it to the clasp. But the top part of it broke the other day, so I tied that end on too. Plus the strap had torn, so the foam padding was sticking out like a backpack mohawk. But my new one is awesome! It's so new! It doesn't even have any holes in it!

I should do homework soon. I've got a TON of reading to do by Tuesday for Critical Thinking and Biology. Plus some Chemistry reading for Monday. And Western Lit reading for tomorrow. Hahahaha, I'll write again in 4 months.

I feel so shitty. It's 12:25 AM... I can't sleep. It's not just the fact that I've felt sick all day... or that I'm tired because of working for 12 hours. It's not the dread I have in tomorrow. It's not that I wish I could see my friends more.

It's just not something I can talk about. It's not something I should talk about. But ya know... when you have no one to talk to... it gets hard. People need to talk to other people about their problems... their issues... I mean everyone resolves their own conflicts via face-to-face or at least out-loud conversations because that makes them think... it makes them fix things. But I have no one to talk to, and it's really hard having to deal with that.

Work at abercrombie tomorrow... 11-3. Then Panera from 3-close. I'm already exhausted.

I don't know. I have so many things going through my mind right now. I don't even know what to type. I want to cry but I can't produce any more tears. I'm going to be up late tonight... thinking about things.

I hate this start and stop writing that I'm doing right now. My thoughts are so disconnected. I can't even begin to tell you all the things I'm considering.

I want to go throw up.

I I I. That's all I ever say. I hate... I don't... I want... I'm already.... I'm so sick of myself.

It's now 1:21 AM. Still not sleepy. My stomach is churning and the nausea won't leave. I've had a sharp pain all day on the left side... now I feel so sick, plus this dizziness and headache and my neck being stiff. I feel so down right now. I'm starting to cry but I don't know why. What is wrong with me?

Life is Good. Oh, that's copyrighted? Crap.

It's almost Thursday! One more minute! It's 11:59 PM. And now it's 12:00 AM, Thursday, July 30th, 2009. Corey already went to bed.

I'm becoming obsessed with Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. I love it! I can't wait until I get my next paycheck, because I already know what I want to buy. Don't worry, I'm not going to go overboard. I just really like the clothing. I also really want to embody the Abercrombie & Fitch style, which is casual, cool, and provocative. I like that a lot.

ARGGHHH I'M SO FAT.

I know Corey isn't going to like that I just wrote that.

Now he's smiling because I'm right.

Now it's a real smile because I'm continuing the joke.

This sentence has nothing to do with the above joke.

This one does.

What?

I can't see the keyboard.

It's 12:29 AM as I begin this entry.

The lights are off... so I'm typing in the dark. I can't see the keyboard. You have no idea how long it took me to type this. Like right now. It's taking forever. But you'll never know.

I can't sleep.

Corey left today. It was very sudden but he was able to pick up a 24 so... money's money, yeah?

I don't have much to say. I've been lying in bed and messing around on the computer for an hour and a half. My brain is on, like, high-processing mode.

I'm so fat. Ughh. I should start jogging while I have excess time in the summer.

Oh, yeah. I'm out of summer school! Wow I just realized how much updating I need to do.

I got As in my classes. I was also hired at abercrombie. My first day was today. They only do 4-hour shifts! How crappy is that?!?! That means... Even if I work every day... That's only 28 hours. At least minimum wage is about to go up. Without that I'd consider staying at Panera. Haha... Not really.

I wish I were a nice person. I'm such a bitch. Every time I'm with Corey I realize that I have a horrible personality but too much pride to change it. I'm so temperamental and rude and short and mean. I wish I weren't. It's hard to change, though. I'm lazy, too. Another reason to start jogging... I'll lose my excess 10 pounds and actually feel good about myself. I'm so lethargic. It makes me sick. I wish I had as much physical motivation as I have in educational motivation. Maybe I'll start jogging around the track at the gym. I don't know. I could walk there and then jog for a mile or so. That's a long effing walk, though. I'd be dead by the time I got there. But then again it would wake me up. Hmm. I don't know.

Jordan (my cousin) is being deployed to Japan through the Marines. My cousin Rachel just joined the army through the National Guard. You'll never see me doing that.

My anti-feminism video on YouTube has like... 6500 views. Pretty crazy.

Time to sleep I hope.

It's already July?

Happy July 4th! I can't believe I'm already halfway through the year. Jeez. I'm so ready to be done with school... forreal. 6 more days. I had an interview at A&F for a model position at abercrombie. I think it went well but I don't know. I'm just so sick of Panera, ya know? It's such an unpleasant job. I really do not want to work in the food business anymore. I think I have higher potential in a retail position.

I flew up to Ohio June 19th for Corey's graduation. There was a party afterward and I got straight hammered. I don't remember much at all from that night. Saturday morning I had my first hangover ever. They are horrible! I do not like them! Corey and I went to Cedar Pointe in Sandusky. It was raining when we left, and I dropped my phone in the driveway without realizing it. It then rained on it for half an hour before we remembered and turned around. When we got to his house it was in three pieces and suffering water damage. This is a boring story. The ending is that I got a new phone for free.

Then we drove down on the 21st and he was in town until yesterday, the 3rd. Now he's working... trying to earn money to move here. I miss him.

Oh! He "accidentally" stumbled upon these blogs! Yeah! Like, he says one day while I was either at school or work he accidentally clicked the favorites tab for this site and it was logged in, so he read my blog. He said he liked it, though. =)

This occured in either June or July of 2008.

I felt my sympathetic nervous system spring to action as I read the message he’d sent to his friend.

“Don’t say anything to Jorden if she asks.... If she does ask then say I’m out with Matt, ok?”

“Kk Corey but I don’t really know if you should be going out with other girls when she’s a week away from being there with you. I mean idk. Whatever makes you happy I guess!”

“It’ll be fine. I went out to dinner with Nicole on Tuesday and it went great. We saw a movie too.”

“Oh well that’s cool. Lemme know if you wanna talk, kk? I worry about you.”

“Sure! Thanks!”

“No problem. <3”

I seethed. My heart beat fast as I exited the browser he had left logged in on my phone. How could he do this? The little bastard. I started to sweat down my back, but tried to relax and think logically about what to do. I decided to call Marena and ask. I had had a feeling that something was going on; he had behaved different, wasn’t as openly affectionate, and didn’t like to talk as much at nights. A girl’s intuition is almost always right about a guy. He had been acting just like Levi, my abusive ex-boyfriend who cheated on me twice. I was too naïve back then to really understand what he was doing, so when I confronted him and he yelled at me I let it go. Not this time. Marena didn’t answer her phone, so I left her a message and hung up. Now what? I was shaking. I looked up from his bed to the Post-It notes I’d left on his TV cabinet, spelling out “I love you, Corey!” There was one letter per note. The Os were hearts. I wanted to tear them down but I restrained myself.

What do I do? What should I do? I can’t believe him!

So I waited. He was either at work or school, I don’t remember, so I had a couple hours to think about what to say to him. His parents would be home in an hour. I needed to figure out a plan before then. I could just straight-up confront him, I thought. Or pretend nothing had happened, and then dump the douche bag at the end of our visit. Many options went through my head while my heart pounded and sweat ran down my back. I began to feel nauseous and went to the bathroom. While in there the nausea subsided, and I looked up at my wet face in the mirror. I didn’t look too great.

That’s when the self-doubt let itself in, without even knocking beforehand. If he was with another girl, this Nicole whore, then maybe she’s prettier than I am, or maybe she’s hotter. I’m 5’6”, 130lbs, I wear size 7 jeans and a 34D bra. If I had longer legs I would define a Barbie. I’ve got a nice face, too. So for a girl to be hotter or better looking than me and with my boyfriend... Well, honestly he would have to be paying her because attractive as he is, there’s always a more-attractive person in the relationship. I started picturing what she could possibly look like. I automatically assumed dark brown hair. He’d always been into that. I’m a blue-eyed dirty-blonde with a sprinkling of freckles. I imagined her to be tan, wavy-gorgeous brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a cute, up-turned nose, all things that I find attractive. She also had a body like mine, only she had longer legs, another thing I crave. I wondered what was wrong with me. I was funny, right? And I like to be in your face, but I know when to stop. And yeah, Corey and I were going through a rough patch... But it was due to stress! Some background information:

Two weeks before I left for Ohio, my dog contracted Parvovirus. It’s usually fatal, and he was only 6 months old, so he didn’t have great chances of surviving. It was a week before we suspected anything, and the day we took him to the vet, my parents announced they were getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. It was a very bad day for me. One week later, the shock of the divorce has subsided and I actually start thinking about how the divorce will impact me and my 5 younger siblings. My dog had to receive fluids to stay hydrated, so twice daily I was injecting him with the IV needle because my mother refused to do it. The dog was doing pretty well by the time I went to Ohio, but since the divorce truth had sunk in, I had a lot to think about. Corey and I had gotten into a few fights during the week of Parvo and divorce. I think he was in contact with Ms. Nicole previously to our fighting, however. Maybe our fights made him reach out to her for comfort while we navigated through the rough patch, I don’t know. I could continue to analyze him but it really comes down to finding the easy, rat-like way out instead of working through things with the person you claim to love.

Maybe it was my thighs. I never liked them. I was always too short to have nice thighs. Maybe my boobs are too big... or maybe I just am too much of a blond with my naturally light eyebrows and eyelashes, while he’s always gone for darker features. I shouldn’t have tried to please him by being something different than what he liked. That’s like offering Tiramisu to someone who wants a Canoli. It’ll do for a while, but come on, nothing compares to good old tried-and-true Canoli. Well, why couldn’t I be his God damn Canoli?

I stopped thinking about Canoli as more tears snuck out of my blue, not brown, eyes. I cried to myself for a while, although my reflection showed no sympathy. The dark brown mascara I had applied earlier slid down my face like dirt down the sidewalk during the rain. I wiped it away with the back of my hand and went into Corey’s room to get my makeup and fix my face before anyone got home. I didn’t like to show my feelings, and I would make sure that his parents wouldn’t know anything had occurred.

I was cool toward him when he got home, giving him a brief peck on the cheek and then not asking about his day. I didn’t care. He could go tell Nicole the Whore about his day. I’m sure she’d enjoy that more than I would.

I began the conversation with no idea what I was going to say, or any plan of attack. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to work things out just throw it all to the wind and give up, or maybe make him suffer for the next 5 days that I’d be in Ohio. I started by asking:

“Is everything okay with us?”

He looked up. He was changing out of his clothes and into pajamas. I checked him out, this 18-year-old boy who said he loved me more than anything else in the world. I had no desire for him. Usually seeing him change would make me want to slip out of my clothes as well, but not this time.

“Yeah, why? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” He inquired.

I considered telling him outright what had made me almost retch with hatred and anxiety.

“Well, no. I’m not fine. Are you seeing someone else?” I said after a pause, trying to will myself to say what was wrong. I had had so much anger earlier... where had that gone? Why was I now nervous? Was it because I was having flashbacks of Levi, and I felt as if Corey would strike me, too?

“No, baby! You KNOW I would never do that to you! What makes you think that?”

I clenched my teeth to keep my jaw from dropping. He had just lied to me. Out-right. And I knew it! I had proof! I decided to see if he would fess up on his own.

“I don’t know, I feel as if we haven’t been a very good couple lately, and I wonder if it’s because you’re interested in someone else. I mean, are you seeing another girl? I feel as if there’s another girl I should be wary of, or that you’re lying to me, or something.”

“Sweetie, you know I would never do that. I LOVE you. I NEED you. There’s no other girl to worry about, honey! You are the only girl for me.”

So he wasn’t planning on admitting it. The conversation continued on in this fashion until finally I couldn’t take any more lies.

“Corey, stop fucking lying to me! I KNOW you went out with some girl on Tuesday, I KNOW you had dinner and saw a movie with her! And I KNOW you went out with her again Friday night when you were a FUCKING HOUR AND A HALF LATE GETTING HOME! I fucking READ your messages and I know you’re lying to me. You are fucking lying to me, Corey! What the FUCK?!? What the fuck, Corey?”

The rest of the conversation doesn’t matter. It was never resolved. We ended up going to sleep after he fell to his knees and asked to be forgiven, tears falling down his face like they had done on mine hours previous. I had no pity. I knew he felt horrible. I made sure he did. He fell asleep before I did, as usual, and I stayed up thinking about what I wanted. I had humiliated him. I was terrific at making people feel horrible. I had torn him up without a thought to his confidence. I smiled at the satisfaction of bringing him to tears, but it was a hollow satisfaction. Where do I go from here? We somehow made it through the week. I later ended up meeting this Nicole. She was tan and dark haired, like I had imagined, but she had a belly and cellulite thighs. Her teeth were pretty fucked up, too. This is the best he can get, I remember thinking. I had never been more in love with myself than I was at that moment. Corey and I worked it out, like always, and we’re still going strong today. I later also learned that he had never done anything with her (something that definitely factored in to me forgiving, but never forgetting.)

I yawn like a lion!

Today Corey and I took his dog on a hike. It was exhausting. I was trying to show off for him by bounding from rock to rock and hopping over mud pits like it was nothing. Now I'm sore as something very inappropriate. He scheduled a night shift, midnight to 8am. He'll crawl into bed with me when he gets home... although I woke up at 7AM! this morning and fidgeted for 2 hours before finding some breakfast. I'm up here in Ohio until Sunday because I have a week off between spring and summer semesters. I got As in all my classes! Even biology. That's impressive for me. I should prolly get in touch with the C-STEP guy at ACC but I'm so lazy that it probably won't happen until like July.

Corey and I are spectacular! STELLAR! Is that how you spell it? Steller... Stellar... Yeah it's an A.

I'm going to start doing video diaries of us whenever we're together. One video per day. Yes, I'll put them on YouTube. My username is jjexohexoh on there. But don't check me out yet because I haven't posted anything yet. I think I'll save up for a Flip camcorder. I don't know. I have like maybe 15$$ in the bank right now, it's so bad. I'm poor as shiitaki mushrooms. How do you spell shiitaki? Am I spelling it right?

I just ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese. The entire box. Corey didn't even eat a single bite. That's like 250% of what I should have eaten, or like 2.5 times the serving suggestion. I am so stuffed. I'm stuffed like the pig my uncle grilled in his backyard for our white trash Thanksgiving. Haha! You thought I was gonna say Easter! Or something that's not Thanksgiving! Well see in Southernboro, Hicktown, we eat pigs, not turkeys. Turkeys are too healthy! Gross! We need some greasy pig! Mmm mmm good!

I don't eat pig, actually.

I eat bacon, though, but I also like turkey bacon, so PETA, before you hunt me down, at least I'm choosing the healthier, uglier alternative. Because pigs are cute. I have never seen a cute turkey. Not even the one Sarah Palin had in her retarded news video. I almost spelled Satan right there. Woah!

Food-induced coma time.

Easter Break

I'm in a hospital right now, waiting for Corey to get out of class. I decided to come with him so I would work on my paper.... so much for that! No actually I have done some of it but I've lost the mood so I decided to go and do a blog post. I'm writing a paper on the courses of action taken by the nearby police forces after Hurricane Katrina. Blah.

So I got here Wednesday night after a 3-hour layover in Detroit. It was bad. But I got here about 10:30-11 and he picked me up at the CAK airport. =) That was a great reunion. We needed to be together... it had been way too long emotionally for both of us. I am reminded now why I love him so much. We're going out to eat with his bud from class later tonight. That'll be fun. I've wanted to meet his classmate since Corey first started these paramedic classes and became friends with the guy. So we're finally getting around to that tonight. I don't know where we're going to eat yet; we'll decide later. I'm wearing my new Steve Madden black patent buckle peep-toe booties. Oh yeah. Sexy, I know. They're my new current shoe-loves. I should work on my paper now.

Piling Up Like the Laundry on My Floor

I had a breakdown last night. It seems like everything needs to be done and dealt with right now but I don't have the time or patience to do it all. I feel like I'm being tested by life. I have to write my challenge essay for the C-STEP program application which is due April 1st, which is the same day that I can sign up for summer and fall classes, which will determine my availability to work this summer and fall in addition to my availability for tutoring for psychology at the Skills Lab. I don't have time to devote to a social life at all. I was invited to a party tonight but I work until closing and I don't think I could make it there in time for it to be worth the drive. I'll be really tired by then too since it's a 7-hour shift. I'm waiting for my bud to call me with some details about the when and where and who of the party. I'd have to stay the night somewhere, too, although that shouldn't be too big of a problem. I can't even drive after 9 PM, yet! Well, I can, but only if it's to home or to work.

I got home from work last night around 11 and called my boyfriend to relax. I was already in a foul mood from not being able to find someone to cover my shift for tonight, and when he began talking about some issues I snapped at him. He said his middle sister had called the younger sister saying for her and the rest of the family not to contact her for 2 weeks or until she contacted them. Corey then went into this spiel about how if his sister and her husband are getting a divorce then because of the Nevada laws she would have to stay in the state because no one gets full custody, and I snapped at him because I thought it was stupid to automatically assume that because she said not to contact her for 2 weeks, she was getting a divorce. I stopped bitching for a minute and he took the opportunity to snap at me and to tell me to chill out. He asked why I was jumping down his throat because he had mentioned the divorce thing, and I realized how mean I was being and started crying. I think it was the stress from signing up to be a tutor, the fall and summer classes schedule, the requirement to take 5 classes, my job, not having a social life or being able to go out when I get invited to a rare party, and the fact that Corey's computer had gotten a virus and now we couldn't video that made me breakdown. It's just so much to handle for me right now, and additionally having to consider how he's moving here in 3 months and how much our relationship will be changed by that. But I just cried and cried for almost a half hour, telling him how stressed out I was and apologizing for being a bitch. Also, I accidentally backed into my dad's car about a week ago and now have to pay him for the damages plus I have to pay for a plane ticket for April 8th and April 12th, and I have to pay for my car insurance, so financially I'm stretched. I barely have anything in my bank account now as it is. I'm really having a hard time keeping my chin up when there's so much for me to take care of and I've lost my support system besides Marena and Corey (Marena is my best friend, by the way). I really need a break. I won't even get this summer off because like I said, I have to take classes. That way I'll qualify for the C-STEP program for graduation in summer 2010. Then it's off to UNC for 2 years, then med school for 4 years, then my residency. Maybe I'll get a break when I'm 30.

It's 12:05 AM....

And I am tired!

Corey and I looked at apartments while he was down in North Carolina. We found some near the UNC campus that we really like. The pet fee is ridiculous, though. We might have to hold off on getting our dogs. I should be doing my statistics homework right now but I'm not feeling the math currently. Corey and I had a "talk" the other night. Well, it was more like our first real argument. The strain of school and work is really getting to us both, and we take it out on each other, too. It ended well and we emerged stronger, which is good. We're back on track. I'm up here in Ohio right now. He's working a night shift so he can spend the days with me and work while I sleep so he can get a decent number of hours in without compromising our time together. He gets off at 7:00 AM. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home, but he can climb into bed with me when he gets here.

I think my new birth control is affecting me in a weird way. I have a mucho diminished appetite; I can only eat when I'm hungry. And here's the crazy thing: I will actually REFUSE food now. WHAT!?!! Since when have I ever refused food? I don't know. But I've lost 4 lbs, which makes me feel good about myself. Not that I need to lose weight in any way but maybe shrink my belly a bit by not always being stuffed with food. I feel good, but also I think it's affecting my libido. On Ortho Tricyclen, as the hormone dosage increased, I had a higher and higher libido. With Yasmin, the dosage is the same throughout the entire month (something I'm not used to.) One of the points Corey brought up in our argument was that our intimacy rate has dropped substantially in comparison to our usual rate. Once I actually thought about it I realized that he was totally right. I hadn't even realized it, but instead of maybe 14 times a week (I know that's a lot but we're young and not together all the time,) we're averaging 5 times per visit. That's nothing. That's straight pathetic, honestly. So he and I will work on that. If we determine it was just us and our schedules and stress levels then I'll rule out the new birth control as being the culprit. I don't want to give these new pills up; they're spectacular.

Time for bed.

Day After Valentine's Day Post

I’m writing a paper on polygamy for my English 112 class at ACC. Well, actually I’m not writing my paper because I’m sitting here typing this instead, but it’s due on Wednesday so I have time. Corey is at work now until 7:30, but I work at 7:00 so it’s awful timing. I’m so ready to be with him again... it’s only been a week and a half since he was last here but I feel like it’s taken forever. One week and 6 more days until he’s here, and then I’ll go back with him to Ohio for a week over my spring break. No beach parties for me. I’d rather spend it up in cold, nasty Ohio with my boy. He needs a break. He has either school or work every day of the week. He won’t even get a break on the day he drives down here, either; he has a test that morning. So his first day off will be the first of March. That’s brutal. I mean, I work a part time job and try to maintain my GPA, but that’s nothing compared to saving lives while trying to pass a class as hard as his. He’s incredible. He’s so giving and selfless it makes me sick sometimes. Sure, he has his slip-ups, but he’s such a pure person on the inside that it’s hard to stay mad for long. I think that if our situations were to switch and I were choosing whether to move to Ohio or not, I wouldn’t, just because I am not that confident in myself to throw away my family and friends here for a life in Ohio. But maybe I would. I don’t know. He and I are very different people. Maybe the sunny weather here is a little more of an incentive to move, though. Tomorrow will be his and my 15-month anniversary. We stopped caring as much about our month anniversaries once we hit the 1-year mark. I like it better this way because it doesn’t seem as juvenile, like, “oh! Another month! Congrats!” you know? I should probably work on my paper now. Luckily this is my final required English class for an Associate Degree. My last semester of easy A’s!

Valentine's Day Post

It’s Valentine’s Day, and he and I are 500 miles away.

Actually, it’s 500.3 miles away, with him in Akron, OH and I in Graham, NC, and us being 500 miles away from each other is no change from the usual. Corey and I are in a long distance relationship. We met through Facebook, the popular college kid social networking site, and we didn’t hit it off at all. It was summer 2007, and I was too caught up in my own sophomore-in-highschool drama that I brushed his random “Hey, what’s up?” Facebook message out of my mind. He and my best friend had met on a cruise in January and had become friends after (this is how he found me on Facebook.) However, I ignored the message as the same best friend called to tell me the latest news between her and her boyfriend. I had a boyfriend at the time, too, a 6’2” blond basketball player. Although the relationship was shallow and all we did was go to movies without watching the film, I was content. However, Corey was relentless. He messaged me again through Facebook, saying something like “Hey, how are you?” This time I decided to reply and told him I was fine, and how was he? We continued talking for a couple months, and I started to like this college dropout from Akron, OH. My basketball player boyfriend and I decided to break up in September, and Corey and I began talking to each other every night, realizing how much we did and did not have in common with each other. He was an ex-baseball player that had a tattoo and a cocky, exaggerative attitude, and I was a skanky highschool kid with dyed hair and a great body. We were perfect for each other. I admit that we did mess around a little in October over an Instant Messenger. Toward the end of October, he asked if he could fly down from Ohio to meet me. I said no. This 18-year-old guy from another state wanted to meet me? Uhm, no thanks, kid. That required too much commitment and too little safety. But I had spoken with my mom about how I’d been talking to this kid over Facebook, and a week or so later she suggested that he come down to visit. I was shocked, but intrigued. Maybe for the weekend, I thought. So I told Corey that yes he could come, and he made arrangements for a flight 2 weeks later. He arrived in the Raleigh/Durham airport on November 15. I waited nervously with 3 of my siblings in the airport lobby. What if he wasn’t as attractive in real life as he was online? I’d be stuck with a loser for the weekend. Additionally, I didn’t tell my best friend that he was coming to see me. Corey and I had decided not to tell anyone in case things didn’t work out. It would be easier that way for both of us. I held my sister’s hand as I waited for the screen to announce that his plane had arrived. When it did, my palms started to sweat. What the hell was I doing? But since I couldn’t back out, I waited for him to come down the escalator, worried that I wouldn’t recognize him. I did. He grinned as he waited for the woman in front of him to get out of the way and then walked toward me. I grinned, too, because he was grinning, and we embraced and kissed for the first time in real life. The next day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We’ve been dating ever since.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day.

I miss him. He and I are both working today, but maybe we’ll get some time to webcam later tonight when I get off my shift. He and I have both realized how hard it is to maintain a job, succeed in school, and tend to a long-distance relationship at the same time. He’s planning to move here in August and get a job with the Durham fire department or Durham EMS. Since he’ll be certified as a paramedic in June, he’ll already have a lot of the training required for his future career. I sent him a letter two days ago, and I hope he gets it today. It’s a Valentine’s Day card. He had asked for no gift, even though he had given me a diamond and white gold heart necklace. He’s changed a lot from when we met. We both have. We’ve talked about future kids, a future home, living together, having our own dogs, all these plans we have for each other once he’s here in North Carolina, but none of it has seemed real to me until recently. I guess because it is so close to happening. I’m 17, and he’s 19. I know it sounds young and stupid but maybe it’s better that way than not having made plans by now.